REVIEW - INNI

You'll have to excuse the 2 month radio silence; been chillin' out maxin', relaxin', and all the other shit that you do when you're Philadelphia born and raised. Thankfully "COLLEGE" has cooled down a touch this past weekend and I was able to scrape the nickels and dimes (still unsure of the monetary value of either) together and make the trip to support my local cinema, and one of my favourite bands, and see Inni - the brand spanking new Sigur Rós film.

worth the two year wait

The film opens in media res with Jonsí and co. doing a live interview for NPR. The interviewer asks: "Did you always make this experimental music? Or did you start off by making sort of normal music?" Questionable looks and laughter exchanged, the film launches into a stunning rendition of Ný batterí. The set list of the film might disappoint some (no Glósóli for example), but the songs they have included gel with incredible power to set the haunting, sombre and emotionally draining tone of the film. The bassist, in a short cut scene, is asked about how he would define the band. To which he replies "We write heavy metal. We worship the devil and then we make music for him". That's hard to argue against after watching Inni.


The most impressive part of Inni is how much of a film it actually is. By that I mean that most band released projects are documentary based, with spots of old footage and interviews interspersed with a few live recordings. Inni, however, is nothing like this. There's a couple of quick quips, and nothing more. The impetus of the film is the intensely personal and engulfing live experience that Sigur Rós offers their fans. Inni makes you completely forget your surroundings, almost entirely removing the audience, and any sense of place.

yep, still personal.

The aesthetics of the film really drive this home. Vincent Morisset, the director of the film (who has worked on projects with Arcade Fire before), gives the viewer an amazing visual experience through his unique shooting technique. Originally shot on HD Digital, he then transfered it to 16mm film and afterwards projected this print and re-filmed. Whilst re-filming, he passed various objects in front of the projector - pieces of glass, etc. - to give the film a stunning impressionist look. How he got the idea I don't have a clue, whether divine intervention or a drunken bet, i'm fucking glad he did it. Inni's visuals easily match, if not surpass, the soundtrack of the film; the two in tandem work, literally, like a dream.

dude..

Obviously the lack of narrative shortens its talkability, however hopefully I've implanted the seed of going. I urge each and every one of you to go see this film, I think there's one more showing in London on the 20th of this month for y'all home bros. If you don't like Sigur Rós then you'll fall for the visuals. If you don't like the visuals then you'll love the music. If you don't enjoy either then you're not my friend. 

if this doesn't tempt you, nothing will.

REVIEW - RED STATE

It's difficult to name a contemporary filmmaker with more talent than Kevin Smith. He writes, draws, edits, stars in and directs all his projects - all while being incredibly stoned. When I was first introduced to his work I was warned of its brilliance; I chose, perhaps naively, to ignore the cautioning tales and watch Clerks - a film that immediately shot into my top 10 of all time. Since that fateful night I have been swooned by Kevin's filmography and his loving face.

I think the term is "man crush"

The buzz around his latest project, Red State, has been tempered with controversy. First he stated he was going to auction the rights to distributors after Sundance, only to keep the film himself. As such the film has limited theatrical release (it's readily available online though). Then there were various protests by the crazy fuckers over at Westboro Baptist Church. Red State is also Smith's penultimate film, he has vowed to stop directing after one last huzzah - the film was shrouded in importance before it was even released.

The opening 10 minutes or so really don't feel like a Kevin Smith film, visually at least. The camera isn't stagnant and the atmosphere is different to any of his other works, which may lead to fans questioning whether it really is the bearded maestro behind the camera. However, Smith quickly immerses the viewer in his film world through his usual trusty tool: dialogue. Some critics attribute overwriting as one of Smith's weaknesses as a filmmaker. They couldn't be more wrong. The constant conversation is what hooks audiences, gets their attention, and is really where Smith thrives. Red State is packed with more quotable quips than an episode of South Park, and better speeches than a Coen Brothers film. My favourite is when an FBI agent asks John Goodman's character "how much do you think an iron cross like that costs?" to which Goodman replies "You mean in dollars or common sense?"

ZING.

Red State is also different from any other Smith film in terms of its ideology and message. The film feels like a black coffee served straight to the Tea Party. It focuses on the backwards religious fundamentalists of small town America, the kind of people that hate just about everyone that isn't in their own insular community. The film's narrative is driven by the religious folk and their belief that "God hates Fags!" and all that bull honkey. This sets up the rest of the film and eventually escalates to all out warfare between these crackpots and John fuckin' Goodman, who has direct orders to exterminate every last person inside the premises. The naivety and foolishness of the fundamentalists is openly condemned, and the far right of American culture is criticised in an ironic and Smith-esque finale.

He has a good point.

The only down beat is that the film doesn't function as the horror film it's billed as. The only frightening thing in the film is the ignorance of the religious fundamentalists, and that they could be in any small town from East to West coast. There's no edge of your seat moments, or any real suspense building so the film is better viewed as a satirical commentary so people watching it as a horror aren't disappointed. 

Overall, the film isn't the best Smith has made (Clerks set the bar pretty high). It is, however, probably the best film i've seen this year and y'all should definitely give it a chance. Plus, if you don't know Kevin Smith then you should REALLY give him a shout, you definitely wont be disappointed.

Just a little taster.

REVIEW - THE INBET-WEINERS

The Inbetweeners. A sit-mock-rom-comedy that has seeped through our television screens and into popular culture for nye on 3 years now. It's difficult to evade facebook like pages, to avoid slipping into quote/counter quote conversations, and so hard to stop reminiscing sessions of just how good that Thorpe park episode really was. And so it was no surprise that on August 19th 2011, thousands of youngsters flocked from their suburban nests to pack cinemas full of clunge for one last hurrah.

so fucking rad

Looking around an at-capacity cinema screen, I saw 16 year olds that wanted to be the first to put a quote as their facebook status - but also various 45 year old couples that had come with the intention of taking notes on exactly what their son/daughter got up to on their week in Malia. That's the first thing that strikes you about the Inbetweeners, and always has; the terse, succinct and accurate writing style that Damon Beesley and Iain Morris have nailed since series 1.

Having been on a couple of LAD holidays in my time, I feel fairly well versed in the ongoings and wrongdoings that occur in these beautiful promenades of youth. Bar street is indeed full of young ladies who use all the charm and guile they can summon from within to get you into their establishment, I have witnessed their witchcraft break the soul of stronger men than I. True too, are the numbered morons that unashamedly walk about on a so-called 'pussy patrol'. The nicknames are private jokes that have never, and will never, be funny. The numbers are the brain cell count. The collars are popped. The Inbetweeners movie has it perfect.

Numbered to save asking how many STDs each has.

What I found perplexing whilst walking into the cinema was the amount of people present that seemed to fit the very stereotype that the Inbetweeners mocks. I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, but i've seen plenty of my share of these folk - the kind that go to a club and form a gun with their fingers, thrust it up and down in the air whilst pursing their lips at the nearest "gash". Therefore I found it quite strange that large sections of the audience were laughing at jokes aimed at themselves. Not a criticism, just something I felt was worth pondering.

The film focuses on a topic at the core of every 18 year old: Girls. Our 4 likely lads become enamored with some ladies after they view Neil's dancing in an ironic and hilarious manner. They pair off and respectively struggle to understand the female psyche, seemingly ruining any chance they have with getting any "clunge". The trials and tribulations of teenage love in sun/alcohol drenched Malia are central to the enormous success of the Inbetweeners movie.

Overall the film is exceedingly enjoyable. The fear, for me, was that when shows make feature length episodes, they can sometimes flop like that fish Neil punched in Season 2. However this movie manages to keep viewer's interest with a 2 Euro cocktail of jokes, sarcasm and decent plot lines that wont leave you with your head down the toilet the next morning. Also, If you haven't been on a holiday like it then I would recommend going, you'll find the film infinitely more comedic (and have a rad time).

LADS ON TOUR.

REVIEW - THE SMURFING 3D SMURFS

What a pile of smurf. I don't want to bore you with the details and intricacies of how fucking poor this film is, but here's a few things for you to consider.

I was, until the end credits, vehemently unaware that Katy Perry voiced Smurfette. That makes the "I kissed a smurf and I liked it" joke plumet from awful to just plain disgraceful and vomit inducing. I don't know who wrote the script for the film - but I hope for their sake that they used a pseudonym, because lines like that will haunt you for the rest of your career.

She can be excused.

It also has Hank Azaria (you know, David from friends/every Simpson character ever) as Gargamel (sp), and the majority of the film's comic relief comes via his shortcomings. There's also a starring role offered to Neil Patrick Harris, who I've always had my issues with (not the gay thing, that's fine), he's just always struck me as a massive cock who can't really act.

When I get sad, I stop watching the shit films/shows you're in. True story bro!

There's not much to say about the Smurfs - it's a pretty much exactly like you would imagine a Smurf's movie to be like. Also, it's in 3D; which fucking blows anyway, but they must have been particularly poor in post production because the NY Skyline and most buildings have a horrible blur around them for the majority of the film. That, twinned with the fucking song, had me almost suicidal by the end of the 90 minutes and leaning towards empathising with that Gargamouth dude.

To give it credit, it did have me sharply exhaling at points with some gooooorgeously meta-post-modern-homage jokes that were clearly aimed at adults who brought their kids (or in my case, 20 year old girlfriend) to keep them happy during the long summer months.

SEQUEL?

REVIEW - SUPER OCHO

Hey, it's that early 80s American summer blockbuster that's about childhood, nostalgia, and innocence prevailing over society's fear and lack of understanding of an unknown specimen that came down from the stars.

Close, but no cigar.

You'd be forgiven for thinking I was referring to E.T. - particularly because Spielberg produced Super 8, and was clearly the puppet master of the entire project. However, this film has just enough of Abrams fascination/obsession with unseen mystery and rad aliens to (literally) derail it before Super 8 follows E.T. down the tunnel of American cliches. ALTHOUGH, there's a brazen homage/copy/unimaginative use of the phone home pose..

You can send emails now.

What you cannot see on the end of the lead little kid's arm is that he's holding onto his dead mother's locket, a supposed metaphor that he has to let his mother go. However, throughout the film the kid seems completely well adjusted with this sub plot of his mother's passing (more so than the Dad anyway), and seems to only use the locket as a comfort thing every now and again. The lead little kid seems far more concerned with saving and then holding hands the lead little girl (Dakota Fanning Jr.).

Kinky little bastard.

There was lots of talk about the train crash being the best ever on film. And it is fucking sweet, with lots of BOOMs, etc. It lasts about two minutes and is well worth watching, as the production value and continuity of the sequence was absolutely wicked. Although it is slightly reminiscent of something Michael Bay would do on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Save y'all the entrance fee.

The narrative of Super 8 runs parallel to the development of the halfling's own film: The Case. Their project starts off as a summer activity to enter into a film competition, but finds extra meaning when they coincidentally happen to be filming when the above train crash happens. Their film focuses on an outbreak of a chemical that turns everyone into Zombies - a clever homage to George Romero, King of Flesh Eaters. The audience gets to see it as the end credits roll, and in my opinion, it's easily the most enjoyable part of the whole film:

 

Haven't seen acting this good since 'nam.

As hard as Abrams tried to include mystery and create suspense, Spielberg was just too dominant of a force on this project - so the shape shifting cubes, the alien's ability to communicate and the military's involvement was skimmed over in favour of themes of family forgiveness and understanding and other soppy crap that sells to the American public and wins Spielberg Oscars. As such, it ends up like a mix of E.T. and Cloverfield, leaning heavily towards the former - so unfortunately I didn't enjoy it too much. Also, I pretty much spent the whole 2 hours trying to figure out where I recognised the Dr. Woodward character from..

THE WIRE! HE'S IN THE WIRE!

REVIEW - CAPTAIN 'MURKA: The World's Worst Avenger

Sadly there was never much hope for this film. Captain America is probably one of the worst Superheroes that Marvel/DC/anyone has ever created, and deserves to be placed on this list: Cracked - The 7 Crappiest Super Heroes in Comic Book History. He was made by Marvel in '41 mostly as propaganda, to boost the morale of the American G.I.s screwing Europe's women for a Hershey bar. He wears a US flag, has some stupid shield and shoots a pistol with infinite bullets. He's also that same damned underdog character that appears in about 98% of American blockbusters, you know - the one who's from a poor background, has no luck, gets given no chance; but find the courage, has enough heart and American blood in him to overcome any foreign Communist or Fascist obstacle to reach his goal, where his woman is usually in wait.

THERE HE IS. That guy.

Despite the overarching shitness of its lead character, the film was given a chance with its fairly decent bill of actors. Hugo Weaving and Tommy Lee Jones to name a couple, plus it was directed by Joe Johnston - who did Jumanji and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I wish I could tell you that these lovely people rescued it from the depths of comic crapdom, unfortunately this is not the case. The film decided not to use its trump cards on the right hand, and instead decided focus on an overly cliche and heavily sentimental plot of America standing up for the little guy with its captain of lycra. This film makes Hugo Weaving look bad, and we all know that's not true.

ALL HAIL.

You've got to wonder how much of an underdog, good-triumphing-over-evil, story line one film can handle. Turns out, not that much - with Cap'n Murka singlehandedly attempting to take down a group of Ultra Nazis, headed by a red faced Hugo Weaving, whilst trying to learn how to talk to women, defend his nations identity and avenge his best bud. Sure, there's enough pretty sweet action sequences, and some pretty rad deaths-by-shield, to interject the "America is the Greatest" theme and make the film enjoyable at points; but that's about all it has to offer. Also, there's a sequence with C.America on a motorbike fighting henchmen whilst driving through a forest that I thought looked suspiciously familiar...

CAPTAIN LUKE SKYWALKER vs...

PRINCESS AMERICA

Just me?








Plagiarism arguments and petty idea stealing disputes aside - one strength of the film is in its homage/link to Iron Man. Howard Stark, father of Tony Stark (IRON MAN/R.D.Jr) is the ever-suave scientific mind behind all of the technology our hero gets his hands on. Including that damned shield, which is made from the most expensive/rare/lovely metal known to Stark Industries, is tough enough to take anything the Nazis fire at it, AND acts as a constant boomerang wherever America chucks it.

Probably why he loves it so much.

There is just enough of the right amount of Stark, so thankfully we don't see an over reliance on the already successful Iron Man franchise. We do see, however, this film as the perfect lead out for Marvel into their Avengers series, and so The First Avenger feels more of a stepping for better things - rather than a film that can stand on its own two feet and sing the star spangled banner. Obviously there's going to be a Captain America 2, the ending was a little too obvious about that fact, but THE AVENGERS is probably the more important film for them - and hopefully it will be a tad better, because I do not have high hopes for Cpt. USA Pt. 2.

What can't this man do?

Why the Sopranos is better than The Wire.

This has been one of the great debates of the modern age, that has dumbfounded most media studies students as much as being told there's no future post-university for a creative arts degree. It's like asking which is better: Tyson/Ali, Beatles/Stones, Custard Cremes/Bourbons. Usually there is no answer, however after some long hard thinking I think I may have conjured one up: Jammie Dodgers.

They now come in Lemon flavour too.

There is no doubt in my mind that these two serials are the best works of television ever to have existed, and yet again - thanks HBO, you spoil us. The only show that even comes close is The West Wing, and sadly that's just not easily accessible for your average shmuck who thinks The West Wing is the Port side of an airplane. No messing about; these two are giants, Behemoths...they are Lemon Jammie Dodgers.

Even though I've still yet to finish season 6 of the Sopranos (the last one, so no spoilers I beg of you), I feel that i've already made the decision in my mind that Tony + New Jersey > McNuddy + Baltimore. Here's why:

The Narrative + its players:
David Chase (Sopranos) and David Simon (The Wire) are probably my two favourite David's the world has ever seen. Their ability to write is out of this world; The Wire, however, is more of a boxset TV show - because it is so easily split between the seasons (the port Season 2 + the news media Season 5 for example) it looses a lot of its flow in the final episode, and takes a few to find it again when the next season begins. Also, everyone has favourite seasons of The Wire, with no two people agreeing on the best (personally, I wasn't that fond of Season 2). The Sopranos is completely the opposite, running perfectly as one long story arc from Season 1 Ep 1; meaning it's a more complete TV serial, very rarely dropping pace or losing the viewer's interest.

Without getting into the details and potentially spoiling plot for those who might want to go out and start watching either or, the Wire is a gritty take on Baltimore's organised crime + the Sopranos is a gritty take on New Jersey's organised crime. They are both really gritty. With really gritty characters with gritty real world issues as well as gritty criminal problems. There's no telling what gritty thing might happen next! </gritty> The characters and plot development is really too close to call, they're both amazing. The reason the Sopranos gets it at the post is that it is more about how the characters react internally to the gritty things happening, and how it affects their psyche than who gets capped on the corner. Plus I'm in love with Silvio Dante and his ever-frown:

Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in

Both shows have a web of intertwining storylines that come in and out of focus, there are sub plots and subsub plots that are so well made that they really allow for a greater character development. After I watched the Wire I thought this had been perfectly achieved, however it's got nothing on the Sopranos. As much as you feel steeped in McNulty's pride or in Omar's code, the depth of Tony Sopranos character is unmatched - all his mother's fault if you believe Dr Melphi. He seems to be always waiting for them pesky ducks, or fainting, or eating, or fucking.

One day T, one day.

Cinematography + shit:
This is where the Sopranos starts to run away like a freight train with this one. Yeah, the Wire looks good and it does have some nice shots, but then there's Tony Soprano's dream sequences. They look + feel like they belong in a Darren Aronofsky film, with visual metaphors literally more frequent than Godfather references. My favourite is probably in Season 5 Ep 11 (aptly named The Test Dream), which is essentially all one dream. It goes on about 4 levels of Tony realising he's dreaming (Nolan stole that shit), getting more and more stunning each turn. Meaning is no more clear to the viewer than it is to Tony Soprano himself, we are afforded our own interpretation of Tony in bed with Carmine and what not.

There's a surprisingly large catalogue of these picture on the web.

I feel like I have to be careful not to spoil the best parts when writing about the Sopranos. I would also advise not to google pictures of characters because I just ruined two things for myself. The only thing really left to decide on (without rambling into spoilers) is the soundtrack debate. I'd argue that the Sopranos has the better music within scenes, however there is just no beating Tom Waits blaring: "WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THE GARDEN".

You can almost smell the bourbon.

Sadly, as much as I obsessively love and quote the Wire, it has been outdone on almost every front by the genius that is Tony Soprano. He has to be the best fictional character of the previous century, and kudos to James Gandolfini for not only his sweet name, but also his amazing performance throughout. I am so stoked to watch season 6, and I thoroughly recommend you get yourself downloading and start watching.

Did I mention Steve Buscemi directs and stars in episodes of the Sopranos? No?

My bad.

REVIEW - BEGINNERS (DIR. OL' DIRTY MIKE MILLS)

For those of you who don't know, Mike Mills is a fucking genius. He's pretty well versed in all art forms. From strumming away in an indie rock quartet in New York to making artwork for Ol' Dirty Bastard (Shimmy Shimmy Ya cover). You should read his blog about the film (http://www.filminfocus.com/profile/mike_mills), it's filled with inspiring, intelligent musings about art and stuff that I could never understand. So I read his thoughts and it makes me feel clever - cheers Mike. This is what Mr. Mills looks like:

Sweet hat.

This month saw the release of Mike's new project: Beginners. Which is a semi-auto-almost-biographical account following the character Oliver's (Ewan McGregor) dealings with first: his father's dramatic exit out of the closet (just four months after his mother dies). And second: his father's own death four years later. You'd think this would be quite a lot for 38 year old Oliver to cope with, as it happens: you're right! He finds a girl (Anna, played by Melanie Laurent), spirals into depression, and draws some sad sappy pictures (penned by Mills himself) that wouldn't look out of place on the front of an Elliott Smith LP.

Just be glad it wasn't Beth Ditto, Present.

The great thing about Beginners is that it's plain and simple: a Romance; however, it's one of those extremely subtle art house Romances that has enough sharp-exhale-through-the-nose comedy, intercut visual metaphors and harmonious backing tracks to keep the male viewer soppily smiling throughout. There are various comedic cues - my favourite being Oliver's Jack Russell, who candidly offers relationship advice throughout.

It doesn't.

Mills is clearly heavily influenced by French cinema, art and politics. He cites in his blog that the graffiti we see Oliver doing was inspired by the humorous graffiti that was part of the riots and general upheaval of the May 68 riots in Paris, which is really cool. Also, the film has an incredibly fresh French Nu-Wave feel to it, featuring existential themes - with questions and contradictions of reality and identity in different time periods of the USA. And there is a hot french chick:

mmmmmm...

The film is sequenced in flashbacks, with three relationships running in parallel to each other. Oliver attempts to put into practice what he learnt from his late father's final years, and avoid living like his estranged mother and father. It's an incredibly warming tale of liberation and learning after death that I strongly recommend you go and see right now. It's better than any of the current drivel about to be released.

You've been warned.

Mike Mills Blog - http://mikemillsweb.com/humans.html

Mike Mills Vidyah content - http://mikemillsweb.com/filmandvideo.html

Another Mike Mills Blog - http://www.filminfocus.com/profile/mike_mills

SPOTLIGHT NICOLAS CAGE

I was discussing the motion pictures with a few chums the other day over a few glasses of brandy when it came to my attention that a few people genuinely like Nicolas Cage. I was so shocked I almost sloshed Cognac over my smoking jacket.

Too good to be true.

Here are a few (entirely true) fun facts about Nicolas Cage:

- His son is called Kal-El, and hails from the planet Krypton but was sent to Earth inside a meteorite.

- Jim Carrey once said, and I quote: "Cage has elephant balls". The above picture might disprove that.

- He's the only person, other than the Presleys, to be inside Elvis's bedroom at Graceland.

I may have found a new way of dissin' bros

Nicolas has lived a life filled with excitement and excess (he bought 24 cars in 2007 alone), with Roger Ebert famously saying of the actor: "He has two speeds, intense and intenser. I'm going to have to agree with you there ol' silent Rodge. This is one of the most obvious examples of the latter speed:

JUST SCRAPE IT OFF YOU JACKASS.

Despite what this video might show, Nicolas is actually a half decent actor when he wants to be. I'm thinking of Adaptation (2002, Jonze), Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009, Herzog) and Raising Arizona (1987, Coen Bros) primarily. There is one common point through these films: there were people far superior to Cage involved in the creative process. It seems to me that Cage thrives in an environment where he is surrounded by talent, and therefore no matter how hard he tries - he can very rarely screw things up. 

Credit where its due, he has won an Academy Award. However, I feel that Cage has almost become the joke of the movie industry - with his ridiculous nu-wave method acting style in which he turns every role into a raving maniac. In Bad Lieutenant, it seems Cage is instinctually aware of this fact, and turns his role into a joke of himself; almost pastiche. As this diagram perfectly demonstrates:

Nicolas Cage IS the Architect.

As much as I would like to hate Nicolas Cage, the more research I did and the more I wrote about him, the more I found myself falling in love with him. He's actually hilarious. And so I am going to make it my mission to watch every Nicolas Cage film ever by the end of the year. Wish me luck, and by the end of it I'll probably think of him like this:

Nicolas Cage: Superstar

In Nolan we trust

If you were lucky enough to witness HARRY POTTER AND THE END OF A SHIT FRANCHISE then you will also have seen the teaser trailer for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES AND BEATS ALL POTTER'S BOX OFFICE RECORDS.

In case you missed it, here it is in all its glory:

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Get in the car Robin."

Fairly stoked for this one. It should be mind blowing, and I intend to avoid all press releases about what Nolan may or may not be doing to end the Dark Knight series (killing off the Batman).

First things first:

HELLO EVERYONE. This is the first post of the first blog of the rest of your life.

Just to give you a run down on exactly what is happening before your eyes: I'm a film student/lover/aficionado (I GOT A 2:1 SO FAR MOTHERFUCKERS). I made this for someplace to write down inner thoughts about films you may or may not be interested in. There'll be mostly new ones sure, but what about films that you might have missed whilst you were giving your mother what's for? Before you ask: yes, an opening paragraph your mother line was necessary - start as you mean to continue and that. SO...

Well I suppose I saw Harry Potter the other day. That seems like a logical place to begin.

HARRY POTTER AND THE END OF A SHIT FRANCHISE

It was pretty crap though really. I mean it's all well and good to be dazzled as a 10 year old by a hat which talks, or Maggie Smith transforming from a cat to a pissed off Maggie Smith; but I'm now out of my teenage years and have no intention of seeing this twat on screen ever again:

Don't even ask what I had to type into google for this one.

I can't help but feel Rowling could have gone a different direction with the above picture; Harry would have at least been put in Hufflepuff, and boy would that have made things interesting. The franchise almost took the alternative path when he had the infamous almost kiss with that Chinese girl, but I would have given anything for Chris Colombus to have altered the novel and had Ron and Harry at it in the Chamber of Secrets whilst that pedophile Mr Filch taped it. Just me?

Sexual tension broken, onto the film. It was OK. There were enough fairly impressive special effects and  Wizarding battles to keep the viewer entertained, however nothing was jaw dropping. Nothing stuck with you after you left. There were no real hooks or moments of absolute awe that cinema should leave you with. The closest the film came to anything like that was a perplexing sequence with Gandalf in a "clean" Kings Cross station, when the Orc was underneath the bench; it just didn't fit in with the rest of the movie. It was more bewilderment than wonder.

Also, it seemed to be that Harry had to be on screen in every single shot or else the audience would think he was dead and the war was lost. All the plot twists are explained directly, and nothing is left up to interpretation or even independent thought. Show and tell is the name of the game, with Yates not giving the audience any credit, treating them like imbeciles throughout most of the film.

I feel like I could go on and bitch and moan more about the poor acting, the terrible colour matching schemes (at one point from light blue to almost yellow in a shot/reverse shot in Gringots), and the lack of Emma Watson screen time - but that would be unfair. The film broke box office records, it broke franchise records and it broke my faith in mankind. Video relevant:

His mum probably filmed this for him.

Sadly I was just never one for Harry Potter. Sure the fans will love it, alas I am a mere muggle. Honestly, I'm just glad it's over and no longer will my news feed on facebook be clogged with people liking these dud HP pages. I'm tired of seeing the likes of: "The awkward moment when you win the TriWizard cup and it's a portkey" and "Putting Harry Potter in the Non-Fiction Section where they belong" or even "I'm not trying to threaten you or anything, but I know Voldemort". WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO. Well now he's dead so there's no one to protect you from a beating with the hardback copy of Goblet of Fire that's collecting dust in the loft.

The best part was definitely Alan Rickman.

/opinions