REVIEW - THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

The release of Nolan's thrilling conclusion has been surrounded by anticipation, frantic guessing and unfortunately, tragedy. Events in Colorado have slightly marred the release of DKR, but one yank maniac could not stop hordes of Batman faithful from flocking into cinemas on opening weekend; nor could he stop scores of ridiculous journalists from flooding the print and internet with various spoilers. Have no fear, if you are yet to feast your eyes on Bale and co. then this review will ruin nothing. It will, instead, contain some of the worst batman jokes you've ever heard. Apologies in advance.

thankfully not literally: "Batman Forever"

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Get in the car, Robin.

Val Kilmer had his go, as have many others over the years - and so the challenge with adopting a series like this becomes how to define yourself against a back catalogue of all-too-similar Batmans. Nolan's great success from this series has been rooted in his ability to shroud the film in his unique aesthetic and avoid slipping into the established, boring, familiar genre tropes of shoddy superhero films. On the fast track to becoming an Auteur, his filmography reads dark, stylish, and unpredictable - accompanied by his brother, Jonathan, he has forged some of the most perplexingly brilliant stories that every screenwriter wishes they had penned. Oh, and he has a little help from an ensemble of actors he strings across his films: Leo, Hardy, Bale, Caine, Freeman, Neeson, not to forget...

the man married Uma Thurman

Why is Batman's voice so deep?

Because he suffers from larynJUSTICE

DKR picks up where the Dark Knight left off. Bruce has become somewhat of a Howard Hughes character - shut away from Gotham, entrapped by a city that has falsely exiled Batman, in favour of an equilibrium of peace achieved by the Dent act. The film opens at a benefit held at the newly built Wayne manor, where Commissioner Gordon is about to expose Harvey Dent for his true character; however at the last moment decides to pocket the speech, deciding Gotham is not yet ready for some hard truths. This is also the setting for the introduction of one of the most fondly awaited moments for the male viewing community: Catwoman. And Anne Hathaway does not disappoint, minxing her way onto the screen and into Wayne's private quarters (not like that) where she nabs his Mother's ol' pearls, you know the ones from Batman Begins, before escaping down a pipe (again, not like that). Brief introduction and sexy screen time done with, the film then hurtles into the main storyline with a ferocious pace that it never relinquishes. Introducing Bane.

kiddy got clawz

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Hijacking the Gotham stock exchange is no easy feat, unless you're Tom Hardy in a breathing mask. Making light work of a few guards and bankrupting the Wayne Corporation in a matter of minutes, Bane thrusts Bruce into gear; despite the best words of cockney wisdom from ol' Michael Caine, he dons the suit once more. Hot on the tail of Bane and Batman, the Gotham PD make a somewhat ill advised decision to go after the masked vigilante. However, aided with a new toy from Fox, aptly named "The Bat", we see Bruce take to the air and make it back safely to his now liquidated Batcave. He now has his prerogative of the film, stop whatever the hell Bane is planning. With only Gordon, Blake (new detective played by Gordon-Levitt), and Catwoman even believing Bane exists; Wazza enlists the help of Hathaway to guide him to Bane's sewer hide out. In a confrontation and the first real bout of fistycuffs of the film, Bane breaks, destroys and generally beats the Bat out of Bruce. He then informs our caped crusader that the League of Shadows are firmly in his control, and on the move to fulfil what Bruce only delayed in the opener of the trilogy - to destroy Gotham.

superb fight sequences

How does Batman's mother call him for Dinner?

dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

Bane then makes the very common super villain mistake, he keeps Bruce alive. Choosing to place him in the supposed worst prison in the world to teach him a lesson of subversion - to reduce someone that had everything, to nothing. Herein lies the main thesis of the film, and back at Gotham a similar project is already underway. The ruling class go on "trial" to be "sentenced" by the Scarecrow, where they are offered the choice between exile over the frozen river or death; tough. All the while the criminals loot, pillage and have their way over the city. There's no surprise, then, that this is probably Nolan's darkest looking Batman (although it's mighty close between the 3) - embedding Gotham and the prison with dark hues and shadows, the camera rarely sees any light; couple that with morose performances from Bale, Hardy & Hathaway. But just as Bruce's father once asked - why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up, Weezy! In Batman & Gotham's darkest fall yet, the question is whether there's enough energy left in weary legs to do so. 

"shut the fuck up, crime"

What's Batman's favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na n-GRAPEFRUIT

That's as far as I want to go regarding plot development, I fear any more comments would be dangerously bordering on spoilers. Ultimately, it's everything you thought it would be, and more. There's regular witty one liners, an overall sheen of incredibly stylised cinematography, some phenomenal action sequence editing, a stupendously sexy Anne Hathaway & some cunning twists and turns that will keep even the most seasoned viewer honest. Nolan indulges his audience in everything we've become accustomed to since Batman Begins those short 7 years ago. And in my opinion some of the negative reviews have become just that - too comfortable and unappreciative. Also ignore anyone that says you can't understand Bane, wash your ears folks. Arguably the finest 2 hours and 45 minutes of cinema this year, DKR has a very special and unique feel as the finale of the second best trilogy this side of the Millennia (LOTR). I take my Bathat off to you Nolan. And i'm not at all sorry for the jokes.

46/50 States

SPECIAL - INSIDE TARANTINO'S MIND

There are many questions that arise from watching Tarantino films: why is QT so obsessed with feet? whatever happens to Mr. Pink? do they speak English in "What"?  are a few that spring to mind. Theories have been posed, forums flooded, but an air of mystery still lingers around QT's filmography.  A couple of days ago I stumbled upon this great short called: "Inside Tarantino's Mind" - made by a duo of Brazilian directors, it has a Coffee & Cigarettes-esque feel to a discussion surrounding recurring motifs and characters in QT's films, and exposes Tarantino's remarkable resemblance to Roger Federer.

Wimbledon just got a whole lot more interesting

Do a bit of googling and you can soon find plenty of articles on Tarantino's alternate universe theory, one I've become increasingly interested in. I don't feel QT really gets the credit he deserves. Sure he looks like a raging pervert, but for Christ's sake, the man made a Neil Diamond song seem fucking cool. he's made the films every aspiring writer wished he/she had inked. But it's much bigger than that. You see all of Tarantino's films - the ones he's written and directed - are all inexplicably linked by more than just a brand of cigarettes.

seriously, Neil - fucking - Diamond

The theory begins with the first movie universe, a realer than real world in which True Romance, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, Inglourious Basterds and the upcoming Django Unchained are set. Predominately established by character relations - for example: Mr. White had worked with Alabama from True Romance + Mr. Blonde (Vic Vega) and Vincent Vega are brothers. QT has confirmed this and stated he once had plans to make a prequel to Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, which would've been set in Amsterdam - sadly now Travolta has too many years and massages under his belt. 

under the belt, geddit?

Expand this further - the "Bear Jew", aka Donny Donowitz, is the father of movie producer Lee Donowitz from True Romance. In QT's movie universe, all the characters have grown up learning how a faction of commando Jews de-scalped hundreds of Nazis, eventually machine gunning Hitler's face until it looked nothing more than a spilled bowl of salsa. The argument goes that because WWII ended in dramatic fashion in a movie theatre, everyone in this universe lends a far greater significance to popular culture - debating Madonna's Like a Virgin over breakfast becomes common place, and everyone has a much more in depth knowledge of cinema and TV. Since the war was won in a perilous act of hyper-violent slaughter, everyone is also more desensitized to murder - think Butch and Esmerelda the cab driver's sexualisation of violence, Vincent Vega's distinct lack of real worry when he shoots Marvin in the face, and last but not least - Mr. Blonde's pure glee as he slices, tortures and jives around to Steeler's Wheel.

common place in the QT world

With me so far? Good, 'cause this is where shit starts to hit the fan. Y'see, inside the first universe, there lies another. QT has gone on record as saying that Kill Bill and From Dusk 'til Dawn take place in what he deemed a "movie-movie universe" - that is, they are movies that characters from the first universe (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, etc.) would go and see in cinemas. Kill Bill, after all, is essentially Fox Force Five, right down to Mia Wallace playing the title role. And who would make these super violent cavalcades you ask? Son of "bear jew" of course! Nobody is better placed to come up with these movies than Lee Donowitz, produced in a world where America's crowning victory was locking a bunch of people in a movie theatre and blowing it to smithereens. 

"Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead."

Right. So basically now we've got every single one of Tarantino's films placed. In this theory he made them all within one overarching world, which is fucking genius. There's so many little details that you can notice if you really look for them. For example, props in the first universe also appear as popular culture references in the movie-movie universe. In Pulp Fiction, Butch butchers Zed with a sword made by none other than Hattori Hanzo - a fictional Hattori Hanzo then grafts the Bride her new toy in Kill Bill. Red Apple cigarettes are famously smoked by all in the first universe, but appear predominately as advertisements in the movie-movie. The same way Malboro, for example, might be injected into films for the same purpose. 

Finally, the briefcase! The contents of which have been up for debate since '94. How about if I told you that Vince and Jules were sent to retrieve the briefcase of diamonds that were stolen from Mr. Pink at the end of Reservoir Dogs. Sound plausible? It would make sense seeing as the Vega brothers are the link between the crime syndicates of Joe and Marsellus, and it explains the glow that emits from the case each time it opens. So there you have it. A rough QT fan theory that you may, or may not, buy into. Personally I'd like to believe. But all I'm sure of is that I cannot fucking wait for Django Unchained, as it predates the chronology of Inglourious (which should be interesting), and it looks absolutely rad.

best xmas present ever