REVIEW - TWISHITE BREAKING YAWN PT. POO

At the premier, R-PATZ reportedly joked around with some Twi-hards outside by saying: "I don't understand what mental condition you have." First off, I'm not sure he was joking. And second - this is one of the problems with the Twilight saga. A lot of Twi-hards are dicks. There, I said it. They make hating the films easy for onlookers with their ridiculous obsessiveness and TEAM EDWARD t-shirts (+ I don't think i'm being at all pretentious or unfair). It's important, therefore, to remove any preconceptions you might have about the film/its fans before viewing the latest installment. I have, unashamedly, seen all the Twilight films and was one of the millions that went to see it on opening weekend. TEAM JACOB tank top and all.

I had a similar reaction

The release of the film was shrouded in controversy after K-STEW apparently went rogue and cheated on our beloved R-PATZ. Without slipping into a Perez Hilton blog post; HOW DARE SHE, R-PATZ IS A FUCKING SAINT! However in the filmic world, all is happy in the Cullen household. Bella is now a fully fledged Trampire after she was turned in the most despicable C-section in the finale of part 1. She's now got horrendous pink eye, and some newfound abilities to boot! No longer a mismatch in the bedroom, the opening 20 minutes or so are filled with Bella's newfound lust for blood and/or R-PATZ' genitalia. Indeed, the opening line of the film is Edward telling the mother of his new child "You're so beautiful." Probably the most frequent line of the film, despite K-STEW's ever present omni-frown. Despite all this, they have so little chemistry on screen that it's no surprise she sought greener pastures off screen.

again, all too familiar...

Most criticism of Twilight is levelled at its poor writing, cardboard characters and incredibly clichéd dialogue. Unfortunately none of these judgements are dispelled by the latest film. With all quiet on the home front, (the Wolves and Vamps are now getting along just fine, in case you were worried) the imminent threat of the film comes in the form of the VOLTURI. An ancient coven of Vamps that seek to destroy Bella's young one, horrifically named Renesmee, because they believe her to be some sort of demon child who will kill endless amounts of humans. Too strong for the Cullen's alone, they draft in their Vamp mates to stand against the innocent killing of Renesmee. There's little offered up in terms of character development - despite the influx of new vampires with unique abilities of their own. Element control/mind control/electric shocks don't add much to the already tiring abilities of the stock characters.

mighty morphin' shitty vampires

There is also yet more incredibly contrived one liners that tend to follow the lines of: "I love you 4eva nd eva bby" *BLEUGH* Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 at points feels more like an MSN conversation than a hollywood blockbuster. Although the film is arguably the least clichéd and OTT of the entire series, it still falls back to this weakness on a far too regular basis. Old habits clearly die hard. I understand the film/books are made for teenagers struggling with their soppy pre-adolescent relations, however there are far more suitable techniques than awful dialogue. Whatever message Twilight is trying to get across (sexual liberation of the female teen???????) it's often lost in its median.

honestly THIS is better writing

Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 looks a lot better than its predecessors, its budget has been vamped up and the CGI looks markedly crisper. However there is the questionable addition of a CGI baby Renesmee that looks about as real as Jordan's buzzers. Still, this film is arguably the best Twilight of the saga. The final battle is interesting enough, and the film actually caught me off guard with a twist I honestly did not see coming. See if you can catch it. Sadly though, Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 really is a shiny vampire in a clan of Cullens. I'm not in the franchise's target audience, and boy does it show. I think Twi-hards will love it, and the rest of us will be loving that it's finally over. Hopefully 5eva.

*SPOILER ALERT*

16/50 states

ALSO, BUNK FROM "THE WIRE" CAMEOS IN THIS FILM. THAT EARNT IT 15 STATES.

REVIEW - SKYFALL

Britain is a largely expectant country; whether it's football, tea strength, a Paul McCartney show, or other over stereotyped British activities, we demand the best. The same applies to our Bond films. Ever since Dr. No and (Sir.) Connery hit the big screens, there has been an air of "Britain Expects" about the series. And it's no real surprise, as Bond has become one of the most widely known exports of GB in recent history; just look at how excited everyone was when he jumped out a helicopter with HRH in July. MADNESS! But it's more than that. Watching in the cinema, before the film even begins there are half a dozen Bond related adverts each proclaiming their product will turn Jon Doe into James Bond. Bond is bankable. The franchise has the weight of a nation on its shoulders, and the pressure of the fat cat producers prodding it forwards. Does Skyfall deliver for both? In short: yes. And then some. 

watch Outland. Connery as a Space cop - Golden.

In the early millennia Bond was looking tired and worn, hence the 4 year break after Brosnan and the complete refresh to Flemming's first novel for Casino Royale. Directors were struggling to keep people interested in tired gags and repetitive fantasy story lines; there's only so many times the Russians can threaten to end the world after all (...or is there?). But with Danny Craggers the series looks to have found itself a lead to propel the franchise back into the right direction: tougher, darker and more attune to Flemming's series. And it has come to fruition with Skyfall. Third time lucky, ey?

old meets new

The film throws its audience straight into a mission in Istanbul; JB is in the process of recovering a hard drive with names of undercover MI6 agents. No easy feat, and after some rooftop motorcross he finds himself on the top of a moving train mano-on-mano with his adversary. With time running out, M (still Judy Dench) orders JB's female assistant operative to take "the shot". But of course she hits Bond, plunging him 200 odd feet off the train and down into the watery depths of a raging river. Apparently women can't shoot. Add that to the list ay? I jest! As a side note, I read an article suggesting Skyfall was the least misogynistic Bond yet; I'd have to strongly disagree. For reasons i'll get onto soon. 

JB > JC

Soon after JB disappears, he is pronounced K.I.A. and M writes a less than heart felt obituary. Yet in the very next scene we see him on a sunny beach, knee deep in a foreign looking lady (stage one of Skyfall not being the least misogynistic Bond film) drinking a Heineken. Cut back to London and the MI6 building is in pieces, the files are being leaked, and M is having a moment. Bond acknowledges this and makes his way back to the new HQ, beginning his vendetta to get all British on those responsible. He soon discovers the face behind the treachery: Javier Bardem. His outstanding portrayal of camp fashion designer-esque villain Raoal Silva, brings a much needed kick of chaos to the film. He is hell bent on dealing revenge on M (stage 2 of Skyfall not being the least misogynistic Bond film) and taking down the "establishment" of MI6 and Gran Britannia; he represents a threat to the old guard.

being typecast as the villain is working for Mr. Bardem

Meanwhile the war at home is raging, as the supposed incompetence of MI6 is called into question by top brass of Number 10: is there a need for 00 agents in this modern world? The analogy works to directly question the audience: is there a place for Bond in 2012? The rest of the film provides a succinct and booming "YES MUM." Skyfall is a stunning mix of action, witty dialogue, and a few gadgets (the ejector seat is mocked, as well as the exploding pen) that perfectly blends old with new; highlighting the need for balance. It should be considered the archetype for future Bonds, and the benchmark for the past. It is, indeed, a resurrection.  

not a half-bad Bond girl, either

47/50 STATES