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Monday 9 January 2012

REVIEW: SHERLOCK HOMIE: A GAME O' SHAD-HOES


The main reason I ventured to see Sherlock Holmes, and its sequel Game of Shadows, was due to Robert Downey Jr. A man who once described himself: "A lot of my peer group think I'm an eccentric bisexual, like I may even have an ammonia-filled tentacle or something somewhere on my body. That's okay." I would do anything to be sucked by that tentacle (it's not what you think). Watch any of RDJ's films, and even if they are a crock of shit, they're instantly inexcusable due to his presence and undoubted superb performance. He even got away with blacking up in Tropic Thunder, a feat that 99% of us would never have the balls to even attempt. My favourite work of his is definitely Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a hilariously scripted and unconventional neo-noir that really isn't talked about enough:


plus Val Kilmer plays a gay P.I.

Moving onto the film: Rob stars opposite Jude Law, whose role in the film is predominantly to make Sherlock look more ingenious, more handsome, and infinitely more suave. The complete opposite role that Stephen Fry (YEP STEPHEN FRY) portrays as Sherlock's older brother, Mycroft Holmes. From the moment Stephen walks in, he is a treat for the audience. He calls his younger sibling "Sherly" throughout, demeaning his intelligence at any chance he gets, and their relationship is probably the wittiest the public has seen this side of the millennia. As such, the film almost feels like a gentlemanly popularity contest between Fry and RDJ. It's an even battle, however Fry tips the odds in his favour with a full frontal a scene about halfway through the film.


mm quite..

The plot of this film is nothing special, "evil genius plans to take over the world through intelligent means whilst eliminating adversaries" sums it up in one awkward sentence. And it appears Holmes has finally met his match in Professor Moriarty, otherwise known as the "Napolean of Crime." A very fitting alias, as Moriarty hopes to become very rich from a World War he plans on starting vicariously. It's up to our dynamic trio to stop him, and Holmes must utilise all his wit (and-blending-into-furniture expertise) to conquer the professor.


no, not that guy.
 
I don't want to spoil any of the hilarity of the film, however sadly there is not much else to discuss - the plot follows similar a line to the prequel in terms of twists/climax. The most interesting aspect of Guy Ritchie's direction comes in the slow motion sections, during the sequences of high action. Bullets whizz by in real time and then suddenly the film slows down to about a tenth of its speed for a few seconds. A really impressive use of editing/camera that makes the action sequences feel different, and look fucking cool. Twinned with the sections of film that suppose the thought process of Holmes as he prepares to battle his adversaries, the camera zooms on objects as RDJ narrates how he will use them in the next scene. Overall, I think Ritchie should be praised for his work on an adaptation that doesn't allow too much flexibility of narrative.

Although Watson promises this will be his retirement case, the finale of the film suggests otherwise - I deduce that a witty conclusion to the trilogy will appear on screens sometime around the Summer of 2013.


hopefully with more hats

Thursday 5 January 2012

REVIEW - TWISHITE: BREAKING YAWN

Good morrow young sirs. I trust you all had a terrific festive period, filled with merriment and enough booze to fill George Best's sodden liver. AND that everyone watched Treasure Island. Eddie Izzard was fucking rad! Besides that, I have a lot of reviews to catch up on. Been busy since returning from the land of the free watching a film just about every Wednesday. So here goes the first installment of 2012's Philly Philms, may this year be a marked improvement from the last.

The first film I saw, on literally my second day back in the country, was (unfortunately) TWISHITE: BREAKING YAWN. There's a lot of stigma attached to these films; for obvious reasons the majority is negative. However, I felt that before I could give my two cents on the love story of the decade I should at least watch it. It's always annoying when a diehard fan's only defence is "WELL YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT." So I travelled to the cinema, bought my bloody ticket, took out my notepad, and began writing as many jokes about the film I could in a runtime of 117 minutes.


they were pretty much all based around this concept.

This very special review features a guest columnist, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax purposes, and will therefore be referred to as "EdwardFan1990."

Lawrence: So, EdwardFan1990, you've seen this film twice now. What did you think of it? Was it everything you hoped for and more?

EdwardFan1990: Yea. Yea. Edward's hot. Really hot. Bella's a bitch for taking him.

Lawrence: I see. So is the prime reason you enjoy this series because of young Monsieur Pattinson?

EdwardFan1990: Yeah, I just like to perv over him. Despite having a boyfriend who is much hotter.

Lawrence: You really don't mind that there's a shitty narrative, barely any character development, and probably some of the worst acting since Troll 2?


..if not worse

EdwardFan1990: Well you're just a fuck. At least I don't cry at Wall-E. You cry at Wall-E.

Lawrence: That's because those robots actually have some chemistry you soppy woman, something that Bella and Edward have clearly never heard of. Their entire relationship can be boiled down into one look that is surmised by two pieces of punctuation ----> :|
But anyway, what was your favourite part of the film?

EdwardFan1990: My favourite part was probably when they went to that lovely little island. Or maybe the wedding. How about yours?

Lawrence: Granted, that place looked like it was borrowed from Richard Branson. I think the part I enjoyed the most, and the only redeeming section of the film, was the speeches the guests did at the wedding. That was moderately amusing, and probably the only time I smiled apart from when the lights went up at the end.

EdwardFan1990: You're just a *pause*, actually I better stop swearing. To be honest, if I remember correctly Lawrence you said you actually liked it. Every time I looked at you, you looked like you were enjoying it so you can shut up. You're just trying to look really hard on the internet and pretend to everyone that you don't like Twishite. But secretly, you do.

Lawrence: This is a downright lie LAURA BRAGG. AND YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED, WENCH.

EdwardFan1990: Fuck you.

This is basically the trouble with twilight. There's people that will probably go through the whole series enjoying every little kiss, every awkward moment when the in-laws try and eat Bella's newborn child, however it's not really my cup of placenta. I found the film extremely predictable, simple, and thoroughly devoid of any enjoyment. This BREAKING YAWN film is easily broken down into three segments: the wedding, the honeymoon, the birth. And there's no real high point or climax in there at all. Oh how I tried to give the whole teenage romance/sexuality/abstinence angle a shot, but I'm afraid I was well wide of the target.

Twilight is the 2000's answer to John Hughes and the Breakfast Club for fuck's sake, and he would be rolling in his grave right now if he saw what some of the young uns were going to see. Miss you John!


Fuck Twishite.