REVIEW - TWISHITE BREAKING YAWN PT. POO

At the premier, R-PATZ reportedly joked around with some Twi-hards outside by saying: "I don't understand what mental condition you have." First off, I'm not sure he was joking. And second - this is one of the problems with the Twilight saga. A lot of Twi-hards are dicks. There, I said it. They make hating the films easy for onlookers with their ridiculous obsessiveness and TEAM EDWARD t-shirts (+ I don't think i'm being at all pretentious or unfair). It's important, therefore, to remove any preconceptions you might have about the film/its fans before viewing the latest installment. I have, unashamedly, seen all the Twilight films and was one of the millions that went to see it on opening weekend. TEAM JACOB tank top and all.

I had a similar reaction

The release of the film was shrouded in controversy after K-STEW apparently went rogue and cheated on our beloved R-PATZ. Without slipping into a Perez Hilton blog post; HOW DARE SHE, R-PATZ IS A FUCKING SAINT! However in the filmic world, all is happy in the Cullen household. Bella is now a fully fledged Trampire after she was turned in the most despicable C-section in the finale of part 1. She's now got horrendous pink eye, and some newfound abilities to boot! No longer a mismatch in the bedroom, the opening 20 minutes or so are filled with Bella's newfound lust for blood and/or R-PATZ' genitalia. Indeed, the opening line of the film is Edward telling the mother of his new child "You're so beautiful." Probably the most frequent line of the film, despite K-STEW's ever present omni-frown. Despite all this, they have so little chemistry on screen that it's no surprise she sought greener pastures off screen.

again, all too familiar...

Most criticism of Twilight is levelled at its poor writing, cardboard characters and incredibly clichéd dialogue. Unfortunately none of these judgements are dispelled by the latest film. With all quiet on the home front, (the Wolves and Vamps are now getting along just fine, in case you were worried) the imminent threat of the film comes in the form of the VOLTURI. An ancient coven of Vamps that seek to destroy Bella's young one, horrifically named Renesmee, because they believe her to be some sort of demon child who will kill endless amounts of humans. Too strong for the Cullen's alone, they draft in their Vamp mates to stand against the innocent killing of Renesmee. There's little offered up in terms of character development - despite the influx of new vampires with unique abilities of their own. Element control/mind control/electric shocks don't add much to the already tiring abilities of the stock characters.

mighty morphin' shitty vampires

There is also yet more incredibly contrived one liners that tend to follow the lines of: "I love you 4eva nd eva bby" *BLEUGH* Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 at points feels more like an MSN conversation than a hollywood blockbuster. Although the film is arguably the least clichéd and OTT of the entire series, it still falls back to this weakness on a far too regular basis. Old habits clearly die hard. I understand the film/books are made for teenagers struggling with their soppy pre-adolescent relations, however there are far more suitable techniques than awful dialogue. Whatever message Twilight is trying to get across (sexual liberation of the female teen???????) it's often lost in its median.

honestly THIS is better writing

Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 looks a lot better than its predecessors, its budget has been vamped up and the CGI looks markedly crisper. However there is the questionable addition of a CGI baby Renesmee that looks about as real as Jordan's buzzers. Still, this film is arguably the best Twilight of the saga. The final battle is interesting enough, and the film actually caught me off guard with a twist I honestly did not see coming. See if you can catch it. Sadly though, Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 really is a shiny vampire in a clan of Cullens. I'm not in the franchise's target audience, and boy does it show. I think Twi-hards will love it, and the rest of us will be loving that it's finally over. Hopefully 5eva.

*SPOILER ALERT*

16/50 states

ALSO, BUNK FROM "THE WIRE" CAMEOS IN THIS FILM. THAT EARNT IT 15 STATES.

REVIEW - SKYFALL

Britain is a largely expectant country; whether it's football, tea strength, a Paul McCartney show, or other over stereotyped British activities, we demand the best. The same applies to our Bond films. Ever since Dr. No and (Sir.) Connery hit the big screens, there has been an air of "Britain Expects" about the series. And it's no real surprise, as Bond has become one of the most widely known exports of GB in recent history; just look at how excited everyone was when he jumped out a helicopter with HRH in July. MADNESS! But it's more than that. Watching in the cinema, before the film even begins there are half a dozen Bond related adverts each proclaiming their product will turn Jon Doe into James Bond. Bond is bankable. The franchise has the weight of a nation on its shoulders, and the pressure of the fat cat producers prodding it forwards. Does Skyfall deliver for both? In short: yes. And then some. 

watch Outland. Connery as a Space cop - Golden.

In the early millennia Bond was looking tired and worn, hence the 4 year break after Brosnan and the complete refresh to Flemming's first novel for Casino Royale. Directors were struggling to keep people interested in tired gags and repetitive fantasy story lines; there's only so many times the Russians can threaten to end the world after all (...or is there?). But with Danny Craggers the series looks to have found itself a lead to propel the franchise back into the right direction: tougher, darker and more attune to Flemming's series. And it has come to fruition with Skyfall. Third time lucky, ey?

old meets new

The film throws its audience straight into a mission in Istanbul; JB is in the process of recovering a hard drive with names of undercover MI6 agents. No easy feat, and after some rooftop motorcross he finds himself on the top of a moving train mano-on-mano with his adversary. With time running out, M (still Judy Dench) orders JB's female assistant operative to take "the shot". But of course she hits Bond, plunging him 200 odd feet off the train and down into the watery depths of a raging river. Apparently women can't shoot. Add that to the list ay? I jest! As a side note, I read an article suggesting Skyfall was the least misogynistic Bond yet; I'd have to strongly disagree. For reasons i'll get onto soon. 

JB > JC

Soon after JB disappears, he is pronounced K.I.A. and M writes a less than heart felt obituary. Yet in the very next scene we see him on a sunny beach, knee deep in a foreign looking lady (stage one of Skyfall not being the least misogynistic Bond film) drinking a Heineken. Cut back to London and the MI6 building is in pieces, the files are being leaked, and M is having a moment. Bond acknowledges this and makes his way back to the new HQ, beginning his vendetta to get all British on those responsible. He soon discovers the face behind the treachery: Javier Bardem. His outstanding portrayal of camp fashion designer-esque villain Raoal Silva, brings a much needed kick of chaos to the film. He is hell bent on dealing revenge on M (stage 2 of Skyfall not being the least misogynistic Bond film) and taking down the "establishment" of MI6 and Gran Britannia; he represents a threat to the old guard.

being typecast as the villain is working for Mr. Bardem

Meanwhile the war at home is raging, as the supposed incompetence of MI6 is called into question by top brass of Number 10: is there a need for 00 agents in this modern world? The analogy works to directly question the audience: is there a place for Bond in 2012? The rest of the film provides a succinct and booming "YES MUM." Skyfall is a stunning mix of action, witty dialogue, and a few gadgets (the ejector seat is mocked, as well as the exploding pen) that perfectly blends old with new; highlighting the need for balance. It should be considered the archetype for future Bonds, and the benchmark for the past. It is, indeed, a resurrection.  

not a half-bad Bond girl, either

47/50 STATES

REVIEW - LOOPER

Time travel films are always hotly anticipated. Something all of us wish was invented, it's usually a joy to see our childish hopes and dreams played out infront of us on the big screen. Personally I'd go back to May 19th and re-watch the Drogba penalty with less nerves, make a lot of money on accumulators and go into business with Roman Abramovic. However, in Looper  we see time travel being used for slightly more dangerous means: assassinations. It's 2044 in the grand ol' USA (more specifically, Kansas) and we're promptly told by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that time travel has not been invented yet, but in 30 years it will be...

UNBELIEVABLE, JEFF

JEFF DANIELS has been sent back from 2074 to run things - establishing a criminal network that runs the city. He employs JGL's character, young Joe, as a LOOPER. His job is to be in a certain place at a certain time, and kill whoever has been sent back from the future for a hell of a lot of silver. Trick is though, one day you will come face to face with yourself in the field - a mind fuck to say the least, and then you're supposed to kill your old self, termed: "closing the loop". For some reason, loops are being closed on a much more frequent basis. And surprise, surprise, it's not long before JGL comes face to face with Bruce Willis kneeling in front of him. A questionable casting perhaps, and in the moment that JGL is pondering how he became John McClane, the old Joe springs into action and escapes. Failing to close a loop is punishable by death, and so now there's Jeff Daniels chasing young Joe, chasing old Joe.

my god I want this poster

The greatest part about Looper is that it's incredibly simple in its explanation of how things in the present affect the future. Young Joe, for example, scars his arm to write "Beatrix" in order to get old Joe's attention for a meet at their favourite restaurant. The latter then informs young Joe that there's another waitress who works on weekends called "Jen" that would have been a better choice; but with age comes wisdom, aye? They talk. And young Joe learns that someone called the "Rainmaker" is closing all the loops whilst tearing shit up in a police state America 30 years later - it is, according to old Joe, therefore crucial they find and kill all of the three possible "Rainmakers"; who are nowt but a toddler in 2044. 

some questionable face SFX

All of this polarises the two Joes, who have differing opinions on child murder. The old Joe buggers off to make some regrettable decisions, whilst the young 'un uncovers the location of one of the possible "Rainmaker" children: a farm where Sara (Emily Blunt) is a badass mother/farmer/shotgun wielder who lets Joe help protect her child, Cid. As young Joe and Sara become close, he learns she is telekinetic - a genetic mutation that 10% of the population have, however most are unable to do much more than lift coins. Sara is slightly more proficient, as is her son. Meanwhile, old Joe is on a war path. Having lost his dear wife in the future, he is determined to do anything in his power to find the "Rainmaker" and stop his life from unravelling. Even going on one of the best-action directed rampages at Jeff Daniels' head quarters that you'll see this year.

think Kevin Smith would like to go back and un-direct that one, too

The director, Rian Johnson, really surprises in Looper  with some excellent cinematography and action editing, and at points feels more like a neo-noir than a time travel fiction. And a neo-noir/time travel film is a hard thing to do, least of all do well. But Johnson really excels in his first real shot at the big time. It's as if he's come back from the future as a master writer/director. Sure he's helped by a stellar cast, and one of the best JGL performances of his career, but the film is genius from start to finish. The dialogue is witty, the idea well executed, and the finale outstanding. We'll be watching Looper again, and again, and again, and again...

not quite as good as Groundhog Day, however.

43/50 STATES

REVIEW - KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Set against the backdrop of the 2008 Presidential election, America and its inhabitants find themselves in a precarious position. With the red guy promising to return the US to its former "glory", while the blue guy promises "change". I've inverted both because Killing Them Softly is a film that sets out to debate  both these claims. The opening sequence is perfectly jarring in its juxtaposition of an Obama's speech with intermittent cutting between the decadence of a post-Katrina New Orleans - the direction America is headed is still up for debate. Meanwhile, there's some killing to do. 

and they say money can't buy happiness

We are introduced to Frankie and Russel, two low time crooks who have fallen on harder times - the poor fuck Russel is Australian. They're promptly hired by Squirrel, played by Vince Curatola (Johnny Fucking Sac! for all you Sopranos fans), to roll over a high stakes poker game run by Markie Trattman. Markie is played by Ray Liotta, who clearly has let himself go somewhat since the glory days of Goodfellas; he's a disheveled shell of a gangster, hitting his own poker games to make quick bucks. Thus the set up seems perfect: Frankie and Russel rob the game, and immediately the finger points back to Markie. A victimless crime! Except that would make for one helluva boring mob film.

tony soprano playing tony soprano

Introducing Jackie, who puts the P.I. in Pitt and quickly the little scheme is uncovered. He is contracted by a nameless suit (played by Richard Jenkins), whose identity remains a mystery throughout the film, to turn the mess into a body count. He's going to need a bit of help though, so in flys James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) to lend a helping hand. Reunited the first time since The Mexican - another great Pitt movie if you have a spare few hours - Pitt and Soprano sit in a bar (a table I would do anything to pull up a chair to) and discuss business in what is arguably the best scene of the film. Turns out Soprano is becoming disillusioned with the recession, and proceeds to drink + hooker himself into early retirement, sadly ruining the promise of a Tony vs. Johnny Sac finale for the Sopranos fans. Jackie is well and truly alone.

Obama style?

Y'see, in an economy fueled by gambling - be that stock breaking or business deals gone wrong, the mob style mentality of an unidentified corporate America has plunged the country into dire circumstances. To reuse an earlier phrase: there is no victimless economy. Thus the poker game/entire plot of Killing Them Softly is simply one big, meaty, Soprano filled analogy for contemporary America. Hell, maybe Pitt is even supposed to represent Obama? Ok, maybe that was pushing the analogy one step too far, but the effort was there. The film is a really interesting semiotically, and one that allows various readings, of which I'm sure there will be many. It also treats its audience to some sublime editing and some of the prettiest cinematography you ever did see in a quasi-gangster film - some of the death scenes are anything but soft.

KILLING THEM SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG...

Killing them Softly has a lot to say, I'm just not sure it's fully articulate to its audience. There will be some questionable reactions, and some of the dialogue can seem a little preachy at times - however, it's America so perhaps we can chalk that one down to environment. It's stylish, has plenty of action, lots of favourite mafia stars, and a dollop of a message to send to its viewers. The United States is going through its toughest economic period since the 80s, and there needs to be more films made like this one. Ultimately in a recession, crime still pays; just not as well.

42/50 STATES

REVIEW - THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

The release of Nolan's thrilling conclusion has been surrounded by anticipation, frantic guessing and unfortunately, tragedy. Events in Colorado have slightly marred the release of DKR, but one yank maniac could not stop hordes of Batman faithful from flocking into cinemas on opening weekend; nor could he stop scores of ridiculous journalists from flooding the print and internet with various spoilers. Have no fear, if you are yet to feast your eyes on Bale and co. then this review will ruin nothing. It will, instead, contain some of the worst batman jokes you've ever heard. Apologies in advance.

thankfully not literally: "Batman Forever"

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Get in the car, Robin.

Val Kilmer had his go, as have many others over the years - and so the challenge with adopting a series like this becomes how to define yourself against a back catalogue of all-too-similar Batmans. Nolan's great success from this series has been rooted in his ability to shroud the film in his unique aesthetic and avoid slipping into the established, boring, familiar genre tropes of shoddy superhero films. On the fast track to becoming an Auteur, his filmography reads dark, stylish, and unpredictable - accompanied by his brother, Jonathan, he has forged some of the most perplexingly brilliant stories that every screenwriter wishes they had penned. Oh, and he has a little help from an ensemble of actors he strings across his films: Leo, Hardy, Bale, Caine, Freeman, Neeson, not to forget...

the man married Uma Thurman

Why is Batman's voice so deep?

Because he suffers from larynJUSTICE

DKR picks up where the Dark Knight left off. Bruce has become somewhat of a Howard Hughes character - shut away from Gotham, entrapped by a city that has falsely exiled Batman, in favour of an equilibrium of peace achieved by the Dent act. The film opens at a benefit held at the newly built Wayne manor, where Commissioner Gordon is about to expose Harvey Dent for his true character; however at the last moment decides to pocket the speech, deciding Gotham is not yet ready for some hard truths. This is also the setting for the introduction of one of the most fondly awaited moments for the male viewing community: Catwoman. And Anne Hathaway does not disappoint, minxing her way onto the screen and into Wayne's private quarters (not like that) where she nabs his Mother's ol' pearls, you know the ones from Batman Begins, before escaping down a pipe (again, not like that). Brief introduction and sexy screen time done with, the film then hurtles into the main storyline with a ferocious pace that it never relinquishes. Introducing Bane.

kiddy got clawz

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Hijacking the Gotham stock exchange is no easy feat, unless you're Tom Hardy in a breathing mask. Making light work of a few guards and bankrupting the Wayne Corporation in a matter of minutes, Bane thrusts Bruce into gear; despite the best words of cockney wisdom from ol' Michael Caine, he dons the suit once more. Hot on the tail of Bane and Batman, the Gotham PD make a somewhat ill advised decision to go after the masked vigilante. However, aided with a new toy from Fox, aptly named "The Bat", we see Bruce take to the air and make it back safely to his now liquidated Batcave. He now has his prerogative of the film, stop whatever the hell Bane is planning. With only Gordon, Blake (new detective played by Gordon-Levitt), and Catwoman even believing Bane exists; Wazza enlists the help of Hathaway to guide him to Bane's sewer hide out. In a confrontation and the first real bout of fistycuffs of the film, Bane breaks, destroys and generally beats the Bat out of Bruce. He then informs our caped crusader that the League of Shadows are firmly in his control, and on the move to fulfil what Bruce only delayed in the opener of the trilogy - to destroy Gotham.

superb fight sequences

How does Batman's mother call him for Dinner?

dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

Bane then makes the very common super villain mistake, he keeps Bruce alive. Choosing to place him in the supposed worst prison in the world to teach him a lesson of subversion - to reduce someone that had everything, to nothing. Herein lies the main thesis of the film, and back at Gotham a similar project is already underway. The ruling class go on "trial" to be "sentenced" by the Scarecrow, where they are offered the choice between exile over the frozen river or death; tough. All the while the criminals loot, pillage and have their way over the city. There's no surprise, then, that this is probably Nolan's darkest looking Batman (although it's mighty close between the 3) - embedding Gotham and the prison with dark hues and shadows, the camera rarely sees any light; couple that with morose performances from Bale, Hardy & Hathaway. But just as Bruce's father once asked - why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up, Weezy! In Batman & Gotham's darkest fall yet, the question is whether there's enough energy left in weary legs to do so. 

"shut the fuck up, crime"

What's Batman's favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na n-GRAPEFRUIT

That's as far as I want to go regarding plot development, I fear any more comments would be dangerously bordering on spoilers. Ultimately, it's everything you thought it would be, and more. There's regular witty one liners, an overall sheen of incredibly stylised cinematography, some phenomenal action sequence editing, a stupendously sexy Anne Hathaway & some cunning twists and turns that will keep even the most seasoned viewer honest. Nolan indulges his audience in everything we've become accustomed to since Batman Begins those short 7 years ago. And in my opinion some of the negative reviews have become just that - too comfortable and unappreciative. Also ignore anyone that says you can't understand Bane, wash your ears folks. Arguably the finest 2 hours and 45 minutes of cinema this year, DKR has a very special and unique feel as the finale of the second best trilogy this side of the Millennia (LOTR). I take my Bathat off to you Nolan. And i'm not at all sorry for the jokes.

46/50 States

SPECIAL - INSIDE TARANTINO'S MIND

There are many questions that arise from watching Tarantino films: why is QT so obsessed with feet? whatever happens to Mr. Pink? do they speak English in "What"?  are a few that spring to mind. Theories have been posed, forums flooded, but an air of mystery still lingers around QT's filmography.  A couple of days ago I stumbled upon this great short called: "Inside Tarantino's Mind" - made by a duo of Brazilian directors, it has a Coffee & Cigarettes-esque feel to a discussion surrounding recurring motifs and characters in QT's films, and exposes Tarantino's remarkable resemblance to Roger Federer.

Wimbledon just got a whole lot more interesting

Do a bit of googling and you can soon find plenty of articles on Tarantino's alternate universe theory, one I've become increasingly interested in. I don't feel QT really gets the credit he deserves. Sure he looks like a raging pervert, but for Christ's sake, the man made a Neil Diamond song seem fucking cool. he's made the films every aspiring writer wished he/she had inked. But it's much bigger than that. You see all of Tarantino's films - the ones he's written and directed - are all inexplicably linked by more than just a brand of cigarettes.

seriously, Neil - fucking - Diamond

The theory begins with the first movie universe, a realer than real world in which True Romance, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, Inglourious Basterds and the upcoming Django Unchained are set. Predominately established by character relations - for example: Mr. White had worked with Alabama from True Romance + Mr. Blonde (Vic Vega) and Vincent Vega are brothers. QT has confirmed this and stated he once had plans to make a prequel to Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, which would've been set in Amsterdam - sadly now Travolta has too many years and massages under his belt. 

under the belt, geddit?

Expand this further - the "Bear Jew", aka Donny Donowitz, is the father of movie producer Lee Donowitz from True Romance. In QT's movie universe, all the characters have grown up learning how a faction of commando Jews de-scalped hundreds of Nazis, eventually machine gunning Hitler's face until it looked nothing more than a spilled bowl of salsa. The argument goes that because WWII ended in dramatic fashion in a movie theatre, everyone in this universe lends a far greater significance to popular culture - debating Madonna's Like a Virgin over breakfast becomes common place, and everyone has a much more in depth knowledge of cinema and TV. Since the war was won in a perilous act of hyper-violent slaughter, everyone is also more desensitized to murder - think Butch and Esmerelda the cab driver's sexualisation of violence, Vincent Vega's distinct lack of real worry when he shoots Marvin in the face, and last but not least - Mr. Blonde's pure glee as he slices, tortures and jives around to Steeler's Wheel.

common place in the QT world

With me so far? Good, 'cause this is where shit starts to hit the fan. Y'see, inside the first universe, there lies another. QT has gone on record as saying that Kill Bill and From Dusk 'til Dawn take place in what he deemed a "movie-movie universe" - that is, they are movies that characters from the first universe (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, etc.) would go and see in cinemas. Kill Bill, after all, is essentially Fox Force Five, right down to Mia Wallace playing the title role. And who would make these super violent cavalcades you ask? Son of "bear jew" of course! Nobody is better placed to come up with these movies than Lee Donowitz, produced in a world where America's crowning victory was locking a bunch of people in a movie theatre and blowing it to smithereens. 

"Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead."

Right. So basically now we've got every single one of Tarantino's films placed. In this theory he made them all within one overarching world, which is fucking genius. There's so many little details that you can notice if you really look for them. For example, props in the first universe also appear as popular culture references in the movie-movie universe. In Pulp Fiction, Butch butchers Zed with a sword made by none other than Hattori Hanzo - a fictional Hattori Hanzo then grafts the Bride her new toy in Kill Bill. Red Apple cigarettes are famously smoked by all in the first universe, but appear predominately as advertisements in the movie-movie. The same way Malboro, for example, might be injected into films for the same purpose. 

Finally, the briefcase! The contents of which have been up for debate since '94. How about if I told you that Vince and Jules were sent to retrieve the briefcase of diamonds that were stolen from Mr. Pink at the end of Reservoir Dogs. Sound plausible? It would make sense seeing as the Vega brothers are the link between the crime syndicates of Joe and Marsellus, and it explains the glow that emits from the case each time it opens. So there you have it. A rough QT fan theory that you may, or may not, buy into. Personally I'd like to believe. But all I'm sure of is that I cannot fucking wait for Django Unchained, as it predates the chronology of Inglourious (which should be interesting), and it looks absolutely rad.

best xmas present ever

REVIEW - PROMETHEUS

You'll have to excuse the delay on this review. First off, as the film was originally billed as a supposed prequel to Alien, I've been trying to find some time to watch the original Scott film for the past couple of weeks. Then, after a couple of broken links and a few free ipads, I decided that Prometheus should be viewed in its own right. It deserves to be taken as it stands - exploring its own Alien mythology and ideas - and it stands mighty tall. Also, I was trying to think of a witty pun of the film title, unfortunately my outdated comedy talents have failed me for the umpteenth time.

i'm sorry

The "cool story" of Brometheus (again, so sorry) begins with a short prologue of a humanoid standing on top of a waterfall looking all contemplative. Then suddenly the bro begins to dissolve into the flowing water, fading quicker than the hopes of an English penalty shoot out victory. This alien had previously left about a dozen star maps, or invitations, around our planet Earth; the last of which protagonist Elizabeth Shaw discovers in bonnie ol' Scotland. Shaw then becomes enamoured with the theory that these star maps have been left by what she dubs: "engineers" - the creators of human life as we know it. As most of you are aware, i'm sure, Prometheus is actually a prominent figure of Greek mythology; and became a figure who represented the quest for scientific knowledge, and the risk of overreaching or unintended consequences. This non-wikipedia quote perfectly explains the thesis of the film - whether Shaw's efforts to explain, and improve, human existence will end up in tragedy, or should we leave our disintegrating brethren alone?

thug

Shaw teams up with the mighty Weyland corporation, fueled by Mr Weyland's dollar and Charlize Theron's hormones, and follows the star map straight to the wee moon LV-223. We join starship Prometheus as the android David (played by the cheekbones of Fassbender) wakes up the crew from their cryogenic chambers of sleep, an ensemble consisting of: the afore mentioned Shaw and Theron, alongside Shaw's jacked up alpha male love interest, a super cool Stringer Bell (Idris Elba) and about a half dozen other forgettable crew members. They land near a giant super structure and their mission is explained - explore and report, but absolutely no touchy. Unfortunately the latter half of this sentence seems to escape the majority of the crew - this is when the film starts to get interesting.

"There's games beyond the fucking game"

The most appealing part of Prometheus is the subplot surrounding David, the android and surrogate son of Mr. Weyland. Whilst Shaw and her fellow humans dick about playing explorer, David goes off on his lonesome, and is apparently able to decipher the codings on the wall after a few years of listening to the Alien equivalent of Rosetta stone. His stone neutrality, delivered brilliantly by Fassbender who is quickly becoming my favourite actor (checkout Shame & Hunger), is reminiscent of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Fassbender brings that little red circle to life, and it is immediately clear that just like HAL, David has ulterior motives and the crew are mistaken to place their trust in a not so basic android.

oops

The film really picks up its pace and we feel as if we're edging closer and closer to the answer Prometheus set out to reveal, however due to some slightly constricted writing from Damon Lindelof, I'm not sure we ever really get there. Make up your own mind, of course, but I feel Lindelof is up to his old tricks again; trying to write too many ideas and grandiose theories into one project that it ends up convoluted and unresolved (sound familiar Lost fans?). Still - Prometheus is entirely enjoyable, and it's probably the best film i've seen shot in 3D, with some absolutely superb cinematography and tone shifts in scenes, and Fassbender's cheekbones look even more delightful. Yum. 

42/50 States

REVIEW - AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

IT'S RADICAL.

FILMS TO GET PSYCHED ABOUT

This summer has the potential to be a smacker. If you find yourself in desperate need of shelter from the buckets of rain and biting cold of mid-June, or maybe you just want a moment away from the embarrassing opening ceremony of the Olympics (who's idea was it to follow China?); perhaps you just have to escape seeing another torrid performance from Woy the boy's (premature speculation, I know) squad of failures, goofs, and has-beens - you should look no further than your local dark room filled with dozens of strangers. Grab your nearest compatriot, sneak some 99p starburst into your pockets and get yo' punk ass down to see some high quality moving images.

I was spurred to write this mainly because of the irrevocable and intense feeling of joy that I felt after watching the international launch trailer of Prometheus that was released yesterday. Ridley Scott is one of my favourite directors - Blade Runner is the shit, and Black Hawk Down is probably my favourite war movie (maybe a close second to Behind Enemy Lines) - but Prometheus sees Scott returning to what he began over 30 years ago with Alien. He's doing a quasi-prequel, and he's doing it properly. With a little writing help from Damon Lindelof of Lost fame, which means it's sure to have some vibe of "jesus christ, what the fuck is going on here?" Plus if you still need to find another reason - it stars Fassbender, Guy Pearce AND Idris Alba.

YO STRING.

Sticking with the intergalactic for just one moment: Philly Philm's very own Willard Christopher Smith is back from a bit of a soppy hiatus - Pursuit of Happiness/Seven Pounds/I Am Legend - to return to the role that he was born to play. Yes ladies and gentlemen, MIB III is round the corner. This is one that i'm slightly more skeptical about - the MIB franchise is one of my all time favourites and I'm just not sure if it's been left dormant too long; whether returning to it they're going to find it's lost its gusto, its zing, its energy, and is now, as a trilogy, just going to crawl across the finish line vomiting blood. Plus the film features Will using a time travel device to vault himself back to 1960s USA. Don't know if he's ever flicked past the History channel, but that was not the smartest of moves. Head South and pronounce gay rights, J, not even moving to Bel Air will save you.

this has all my favourite things

From the serious, through the comical, to the downright fucking badass in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Just to give you some idea, the tag line for this film is: "President Lincoln's mother was killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers." WHAT? That's the sort of sentence you have to read a few times before it really sinks in. Blink, rub your eyes, and you realise it WILL actually be the 16th President of my adopted nation CRUSHING (amazing verb choice 20th Century) hordes of proslavery vampires. So what if it's gonna be in 3D? And so what if Tim Burton has been sticking his dirty, unwashed, despicable hands in the project? This is going to be 90 minutes of watching Abraham Lincoln kill the shit out of some vampires, and I'm gonna imagine Edward Cullen's shining face on every last one of those bastards ol' honest Abe hacks down. Let me have this one pretty please?

historically RAD

Oh and then there's the little unfinished matter of Dark Knight Rises. Nolan's got a lot to live up to - the hype for this one has been intense. Fans are about ready to storm his Batcave in an angered mob (and by that I mean bitch on twitter and blogspot) if he disappoints the legions of pro-DC supporters. But it's the good type of pressure that comes after making 2 sublime Batman films. Hopefully Nolan thrives under this expectancy, and we are treated to lots of Cat Woman, lots of Michael Caine & Gary Oldman, and lots of awesome cinematography/editing/everything we've grown accustomed to under Nolan's sheltering batwing.

"I'm the batman"

REVIEW - CABIN IN THE HOOD

I'd like to begin with a Philms from Philly anecdote - living in North Philadelphia, an area where the majority population is of African American descent, my local cinema is one helluva hoot. Not just for the Boondocks Uncle Ruckus-esque ticket stub man, but also for the overall experience that you just can't get at home streaming off putlocker. If you've never watched a horror film before in the company of African Americans, then I plead you to add it to your bucket list. There's clapping, laughing, shouting, and at one point the guy in front of me genuinely proclaimed: "homeboy, why you be going up in there with no light on you dumb peckerwood?" I shit you not, it's worth the ticket price alone. 

scary movie gets it spot on

Onto the film. I've been looking forward to Cabin in the Woods since its inception - the brain child of Drew Goddard (Cloverfield, Lost) and Josh Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) had me at its first trailer. It sells itself as an neo-horror, utilising all the genre's tropes and conventions to toy with audience expectations in a manner that's simultaneously both hilarious and frightening. It's centered around a quintet of college kids, who fulfill the 5 most general stereotypes of late adolescence: the whore, the athlete, the virgin, the brains, and of course - the stoner. We've seen these character archetypes in horror films before, and this is the exact reason they have been "chosen" for this film.

white folks crazy

They believe they're headed out to the cabin to drink, smoke, play truth or dare and do other crazy white people stuff, when actually they are just pawns in a system much larger than themselves. Headed by Bradley Whitford (The West Wing!) and Richard Jenkins (every minor character ever), a super elite government task force in an underground bunker is actually preparing the chessboard for an all too real horror film; aimed to please their bosses, and entertain the filmic audience. Every move the 5 make, every decision, every aspect of the trip has been meticulously planned by Whitford and Jenkins with cunning guile. On arrival, they trigger a trap door to fling itself open (this is what prompted my fellow moviegoer to shout the above quote) and of course the famous 5 head downstairs quicker than you can say "Justin Bieber." 

terrifying

Whilst the younglings are Biebering about in the basement picking up artifacts and references from old horror films (which are also keys that will decide how they get killed), the film then cuts back to Whitford and Jenkins in their puppet master underground lab, where they are taking bets on which death machine the kids are going to unknowingly select. There's something slightly sadistic about this scene, but it's essentially what we are subconsciously doing each time we watch a horror film. We go into it with the expectation that there will be overkill, slaughter, and terror - knowing that the Virgin will probably survive due to her annoying shrieks, and that somehow all those years spent inside watching Gilmore Girls has probably just saved her life. Anyhow, without knowing it, the Virgin recites some bullshit Latin and awakes the Redneck Zombies - thus begins the show.

genuinely a film, too

The film's main narrative really picks up here, with a cat and mouse game between said Redneck Zombies and our protagonists, over watched by those back at the lab making sure everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately for them, through the everlasting power of marijuana, the stoner utilises his collapsable bong and uncovers their ruse. Then things start to take an interesting turn. About half way through the film the balance of power begins to shift, and all hell (LITERALLY) breaks loose with a barrage of horror characters unleashed into the filmic world - all your old favourites from the masked strangers to a mother-bloody Merman.

's a pretty good description..

The film is immensely entertaining, with decent quips that will make you laugh and moments that will make some jump. Its only weaknesses lie in its grand narrative - wont say anything other than Sigourney Weaver makes a questionable late entrance - and in its struggle to figure itself out. As in, it's essentially a semi-horror-comedy-thriller, without being one or the other. And the entire package wont be everyone's cup of tea, however I strongly recommend you get yourself down to your nearest African American movie theatre and treat yourself - you'll at least enjoy the Merman scene. I also really liked this film because it reminded me of how much I love Bradley Whitford and made me consider rewatching the West Wing...Janel Moloney - *sigh*

...better than IMDB anyhow

38/50 STATES

REVIEW - HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS

I would like to begin with a strong word of advice for everyone of y'all out there in the internet that found yourselves in the same position as me. If you have not read the books, watched the trailer, or heard much about THE HUNGRY GAME at all, then I urge you not to believe the folks that are going around spreading heinous lies that the film's anything like Battle Royale. The concept of a government forcing teenagers to fight to the death is where the similarities start and abruptly stop. I was expecting something completely different, but ultimately HG feels as if Battle Royale was rolled up into a PG rating, chewed by Tim Burton for a while, then spat out onto Stephenie Meyer's massive face.

it doesn't start like this either.

Admittedly, my expectations were probably a touch high. Credit where it's due, Hungry Games attempts to deal with the issue of voyeurism in reality TV (second episode of Black Mirror-esque). It sets up a pretty interesting dynamic - us as an audience spectating a nation, who in turn are watching a couple o' dozen teenagers attempt to kill each other. The culture of Panem, a fictional & futuristic USA, is incredibly reliant on this annual show of masochism - much like our nation of viewers enchanted by Jade Goody calling people Indian dishes. For almost 70 years the inhabitants in the 12 "districts" of Panem have tuned in and watched the bloodbath without having any complaints. Thankfully Big Brother wont last that long - touch wood.

day 9 of the big brother house

It sets up this dynamic, then shelves it in favour of a shitty love triangle that adolescent women are surely a little bit bored of by now? At the top point is one Katniss Everdeen, a young hunter from District 12 - an impoverished area of Panem - who is entered into the Hungry Games after she kindly and somewhat foolishly volunteers to replace her wee sister, whose name is drawn out of a hat as the "tribute" from their district. The other tribute, and second point of our triangle, comes in the form of Peeta, son of a baker whose only talent is throwing bread and doodling on himself. The final point is a young lad named Gale, who essentially has the same facial expression of disappointment throughout the entire ordeal. The whole trifecta is so similar to the Belwarcob - Bella, Edward, Jacob for all you nonbelievers - triangle I adored (see previous review) that it's frightening: you have the protective best friend and the dynamic vampire/baker both fighting for the affections of the super hot and very well acted female lead. 

a career man.

Triangle established, and interesting concept tossed aside, it's time to begin the Hungry Games. This is where the film should excel and really come into its own, but again it feels like it stops short of the mark. The tense thrill of battle, amazing action sequences and shocking death scenes never come to fruition. The opening of the Hungry Games sets the 24 participants around a mound of deadly weapons, and upon the first whistle the majority of our gladiators run to grab their favourites. Instead of a barrage of amazing Battle Royale-esque moments of overkill, the camera just shakes incessantly and cuts away from all the moments of impact. We are afforded some glimpses of what the film could, and should, have been. I'm thinking of the sequences toward the finale when the pace kicks up and Katniss actually uses her bow/trips balls after she gets stung by a wasp. 

she eventually learns how

For me, the best part was going to see the film in a North Philadelphia, African American dominated cinema. When a black character did something awesome with his axe, the majority of the audience started applauding and cheering - it was spectacular. Despite this, the action doesn't keep the viewer on the edge of their seat and there's not many surprises; the finale of the film is guessable from the beginning, as is the start to the sequel - the only real shocking moment is when Lenny Kravtiz appears as a camp fashion designer. Unexpected yet brilliant. Also Woody Harrelson plays a steaming drunk which is always fun to watch. Ultimately, however, Hungry Hungry Hippos would be a much better way to spend 2 hours and 22 minutes of your saturday afternoon.

white men can drink

18/50 STATES 

REVIEW - THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON POO

Fincher's up to it again. The seedy ol' bastard took a couple of films off his regular thriller-psychological filmography to make "Benjamin Button" and "Social Network", but now he's back in familiar waters with his take on adapting the first of Stieg Larsson's Millennium series. It's already been done once before in native tongue, but Fincher's imprint is much more than pure adaptation. He gave it a dash of the suspenseful threat of the serial killer from "Zodiac", a sprinkle of the darkness we all loved in "Seven", and blended this project into a film that stands alone in its own right. It's familiar but new.

the first rule of adaptations is..

The original Swedish title of the novel was "Män som hatar kvinnor," roughly translating as "Men Who Hate Women." This is a pretty darn good summary of the film - it focuses on themes of domestic abuse, rape and other such heinous crimes against the finer sex. The book opens with the statistic "18% of the women in Sweden have at one time been threatened by a man," roughly translating as "18% of women don't make a good cuppa." Laddish banter aside, the film does tackle a tough topic and skips nothing when showing the brutality that some sick bastards are capable of committing to women. The novel goes into more depth, whereas the film skirts over most of it (censorship laws and that); but what the film does show is incredibly difficult to keep your eyes on. Not "Irreversible" bad, but a touch more emotional than watching Brad Pitt (hey look, it's me!) struggle to find out what's in the box.

he'd be shite on Deal or No Deal

The film's narrative is basically a real life game of Cluedo/who shot J.R. mystery set in the town of Hedestad, an island just north of Stockholm. Ol' man Henrik Vagner enlists the help of Mikael Blomkvist (Danny Craggers) to find the killer of his niece Harriet Vagner. Sounds simple enough, only it's never Colonel Mustard in the lounge with the revolver. Unfortunately for Blomkvist the supposed murder happened about 40 years ago, the suspect is most likely a member of the Vagner clan, and there's less   motive than Fernando Torres has Chelsea goals :-( it's almost like reading a coffee stained instruction manual for an Ikea wardrobe, without the English translation.

GAH, 1/3!

Like any good detective, Blomkvist enlists the help of a sidekick before getting knee deep in the Vagner family affairs. In this case, his compadre comes in the form of a young Lisbeth Sandler - a silent but deadly "orphan with a vengeance" type, who resembles exactly what Posh Spice would look like if she had taken class A drugs and listened to Slipknot for the majority of her adulthood. She's got an attitude, and boy does she use it! 

Rad Spice

Lisbeth and James fuck Bond make one hell of a duo - with her supreme photographic memory and his analytical mind, the two instantly make headway into the case and begin to unravel the mystery of Harriet's disappearance and discover some haunting truths about Hedestad's occupiers. Unfortunately for them, someone on the island begins to take notice of their progress and doesn't take too kindly to it. The narrative then really picks up pace - think Kevin Spacey pistol whipping Pitt in Seven (I was actually his body double on that scene) - and the murder mystery transforms into a thriller with relative ease.

I don't want to go into too much of the plot twists and what not, the narrative of the film differs slightly from what happens in the book - bits are missed and some parts are changed but that's irrelevant. The film is Fincher as we know him best: dark, psychological and incredibly stylish. It's definitely no Fight Club/Seven but it's still well worth seeing. I will just add that I guessed who dunnit within the first 5 minutes of the film. That's what a childhood of board games through the summer gets yah (I was too pale to be allowed out in the sun) BOO-YAH.

41/50 STATES

REVIEW: SHERLOCK HOMIE: A GAME O' SHAD-HOES

The main reason I ventured to see Sherlock Holmes, and its sequel Game of Shadows, was due to Robert Downey Jr. A man who once described himself: "A lot of my peer group think I'm an eccentric bisexual, like I may even have an ammonia-filled tentacle or something somewhere on my body. That's okay." I would do anything to be sucked by that tentacle (it's not what you think). Watch any of RDJ's films, and even if they are a crock of shit, they're instantly inexcusable due to his presence and undoubted superb performance. He even got away with blacking up in Tropic Thunder, a feat that 99% of us would never have the balls to even attempt. My favourite work of his is definitely Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a hilariously scripted and unconventional neo-noir that really isn't talked about enough:

plus Val Kilmer plays a gay P.I.

Moving onto the film: Rob stars opposite Jude Law, whose role in the film is predominantly to make Sherlock look more ingenious, more handsome, and infinitely more suave. The complete opposite role that Stephen Fry (YEP STEPHEN FRY) portrays as Sherlock's older brother, Mycroft Holmes. From the moment Stephen walks in, he is a treat for the audience. He calls his younger sibling "Sherly" throughout, demeaning his intelligence at any chance he gets, and their relationship is probably the wittiest the public has seen this side of the millennia. As such, the film almost feels like a gentlemanly popularity contest between Fry and RDJ. It's an even battle, however Fry tips the odds in his favour with a full frontal a scene about halfway through the film.

mm quite..

The plot of this film is nothing special, "evil genius plans to take over the world through intelligent means whilst eliminating adversaries" sums it up in one awkward sentence. And it appears Holmes has finally met his match in Professor Moriarty, otherwise known as the "Napolean of Crime." A very fitting alias, as Moriarty hopes to become very rich from a World War he plans on starting vicariously. It's up to our dynamic trio to stop him, and Holmes must utilise all his wit (and-blending-into-furniture expertise) to conquer the professor.

no, not that guy.

 

I don't want to spoil any of the hilarity of the film, however sadly there is not much else to discuss - the plot follows similar a line to the prequel in terms of twists/climax. The most interesting aspect of Guy Ritchie's direction comes in the slow motion sections, during the sequences of high action. Bullets whizz by in real time and then suddenly the film slows down to about a tenth of its speed for a few seconds. A really impressive use of editing/camera that makes the action sequences feel different, and look fucking cool. Twinned with the sections of film that suppose the thought process of Holmes as he prepares to battle his adversaries, the camera zooms on objects as RDJ narrates how he will use them in the next scene. Overall, I think Ritchie should be praised for his work on an adaptation that doesn't allow too much flexibility of narrative.

Although Watson promises this will be his retirement case, the finale of the film suggests otherwise - I deduce that a witty conclusion to the trilogy will appear on screens sometime around the Summer of 2013.

hopefully with more hats