FILMS TO GET PSYCHED ABOUT

This summer has the potential to be a smacker. If you find yourself in desperate need of shelter from the buckets of rain and biting cold of mid-June, or maybe you just want a moment away from the embarrassing opening ceremony of the Olympics (who's idea was it to follow China?); perhaps you just have to escape seeing another torrid performance from Woy the boy's (premature speculation, I know) squad of failures, goofs, and has-beens - you should look no further than your local dark room filled with dozens of strangers. Grab your nearest compatriot, sneak some 99p starburst into your pockets and get yo' punk ass down to see some high quality moving images.

I was spurred to write this mainly because of the irrevocable and intense feeling of joy that I felt after watching the international launch trailer of Prometheus that was released yesterday. Ridley Scott is one of my favourite directors - Blade Runner is the shit, and Black Hawk Down is probably my favourite war movie (maybe a close second to Behind Enemy Lines) - but Prometheus sees Scott returning to what he began over 30 years ago with Alien. He's doing a quasi-prequel, and he's doing it properly. With a little writing help from Damon Lindelof of Lost fame, which means it's sure to have some vibe of "jesus christ, what the fuck is going on here?" Plus if you still need to find another reason - it stars Fassbender, Guy Pearce AND Idris Alba.

YO STRING.

Sticking with the intergalactic for just one moment: Philly Philm's very own Willard Christopher Smith is back from a bit of a soppy hiatus - Pursuit of Happiness/Seven Pounds/I Am Legend - to return to the role that he was born to play. Yes ladies and gentlemen, MIB III is round the corner. This is one that i'm slightly more skeptical about - the MIB franchise is one of my all time favourites and I'm just not sure if it's been left dormant too long; whether returning to it they're going to find it's lost its gusto, its zing, its energy, and is now, as a trilogy, just going to crawl across the finish line vomiting blood. Plus the film features Will using a time travel device to vault himself back to 1960s USA. Don't know if he's ever flicked past the History channel, but that was not the smartest of moves. Head South and pronounce gay rights, J, not even moving to Bel Air will save you.

this has all my favourite things

From the serious, through the comical, to the downright fucking badass in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Just to give you some idea, the tag line for this film is: "President Lincoln's mother was killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers." WHAT? That's the sort of sentence you have to read a few times before it really sinks in. Blink, rub your eyes, and you realise it WILL actually be the 16th President of my adopted nation CRUSHING (amazing verb choice 20th Century) hordes of proslavery vampires. So what if it's gonna be in 3D? And so what if Tim Burton has been sticking his dirty, unwashed, despicable hands in the project? This is going to be 90 minutes of watching Abraham Lincoln kill the shit out of some vampires, and I'm gonna imagine Edward Cullen's shining face on every last one of those bastards ol' honest Abe hacks down. Let me have this one pretty please?

historically RAD

Oh and then there's the little unfinished matter of Dark Knight Rises. Nolan's got a lot to live up to - the hype for this one has been intense. Fans are about ready to storm his Batcave in an angered mob (and by that I mean bitch on twitter and blogspot) if he disappoints the legions of pro-DC supporters. But it's the good type of pressure that comes after making 2 sublime Batman films. Hopefully Nolan thrives under this expectancy, and we are treated to lots of Cat Woman, lots of Michael Caine & Gary Oldman, and lots of awesome cinematography/editing/everything we've grown accustomed to under Nolan's sheltering batwing.

"I'm the batman"

REVIEW - CABIN IN THE HOOD

I'd like to begin with a Philms from Philly anecdote - living in North Philadelphia, an area where the majority population is of African American descent, my local cinema is one helluva hoot. Not just for the Boondocks Uncle Ruckus-esque ticket stub man, but also for the overall experience that you just can't get at home streaming off putlocker. If you've never watched a horror film before in the company of African Americans, then I plead you to add it to your bucket list. There's clapping, laughing, shouting, and at one point the guy in front of me genuinely proclaimed: "homeboy, why you be going up in there with no light on you dumb peckerwood?" I shit you not, it's worth the ticket price alone. 

scary movie gets it spot on

Onto the film. I've been looking forward to Cabin in the Woods since its inception - the brain child of Drew Goddard (Cloverfield, Lost) and Josh Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) had me at its first trailer. It sells itself as an neo-horror, utilising all the genre's tropes and conventions to toy with audience expectations in a manner that's simultaneously both hilarious and frightening. It's centered around a quintet of college kids, who fulfill the 5 most general stereotypes of late adolescence: the whore, the athlete, the virgin, the brains, and of course - the stoner. We've seen these character archetypes in horror films before, and this is the exact reason they have been "chosen" for this film.

white folks crazy

They believe they're headed out to the cabin to drink, smoke, play truth or dare and do other crazy white people stuff, when actually they are just pawns in a system much larger than themselves. Headed by Bradley Whitford (The West Wing!) and Richard Jenkins (every minor character ever), a super elite government task force in an underground bunker is actually preparing the chessboard for an all too real horror film; aimed to please their bosses, and entertain the filmic audience. Every move the 5 make, every decision, every aspect of the trip has been meticulously planned by Whitford and Jenkins with cunning guile. On arrival, they trigger a trap door to fling itself open (this is what prompted my fellow moviegoer to shout the above quote) and of course the famous 5 head downstairs quicker than you can say "Justin Bieber." 

terrifying

Whilst the younglings are Biebering about in the basement picking up artifacts and references from old horror films (which are also keys that will decide how they get killed), the film then cuts back to Whitford and Jenkins in their puppet master underground lab, where they are taking bets on which death machine the kids are going to unknowingly select. There's something slightly sadistic about this scene, but it's essentially what we are subconsciously doing each time we watch a horror film. We go into it with the expectation that there will be overkill, slaughter, and terror - knowing that the Virgin will probably survive due to her annoying shrieks, and that somehow all those years spent inside watching Gilmore Girls has probably just saved her life. Anyhow, without knowing it, the Virgin recites some bullshit Latin and awakes the Redneck Zombies - thus begins the show.

genuinely a film, too

The film's main narrative really picks up here, with a cat and mouse game between said Redneck Zombies and our protagonists, over watched by those back at the lab making sure everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately for them, through the everlasting power of marijuana, the stoner utilises his collapsable bong and uncovers their ruse. Then things start to take an interesting turn. About half way through the film the balance of power begins to shift, and all hell (LITERALLY) breaks loose with a barrage of horror characters unleashed into the filmic world - all your old favourites from the masked strangers to a mother-bloody Merman.

's a pretty good description..

The film is immensely entertaining, with decent quips that will make you laugh and moments that will make some jump. Its only weaknesses lie in its grand narrative - wont say anything other than Sigourney Weaver makes a questionable late entrance - and in its struggle to figure itself out. As in, it's essentially a semi-horror-comedy-thriller, without being one or the other. And the entire package wont be everyone's cup of tea, however I strongly recommend you get yourself down to your nearest African American movie theatre and treat yourself - you'll at least enjoy the Merman scene. I also really liked this film because it reminded me of how much I love Bradley Whitford and made me consider rewatching the West Wing...Janel Moloney - *sigh*

...better than IMDB anyhow

38/50 STATES