The first film I saw, on literally my second day back in the country, was (unfortunately) TWISHITE: BREAKING YAWN. There's a lot of stigma attached to these films; for obvious reasons the majority is negative. However, I felt that before I could give my two cents on the love story of the decade I should at least watch it. It's always annoying when a diehard fan's only defence is "WELL YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT." So I travelled to the cinema, bought my bloody ticket, took out my notepad, and began writing as many jokes about the film I could in a runtime of 117 minutes.
they were pretty much all based around this concept.
This very special review features a guest columnist, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax purposes, and will therefore be referred to as "EdwardFan1990."
Lawrence: So, EdwardFan1990, you've seen this film twice now. What did you think of it? Was it everything you hoped for and more?
EdwardFan1990: Yea. Yea. Edward's hot. Really hot. Bella's a bitch for taking him.
Lawrence: I see. So is the prime reason you enjoy this series because of young Monsieur Pattinson?
EdwardFan1990: Yeah, I just like to perv over him. Despite having a boyfriend who is much hotter.
Lawrence: You really don't mind that there's a shitty narrative, barely any character development, and probably some of the worst acting since Troll 2?
..if not worse
EdwardFan1990: Well you're just a fuck. At least I don't cry at Wall-E. You cry at Wall-E.
Lawrence: That's because those robots actually have some chemistry you soppy woman, something that Bella and Edward have clearly never heard of. Their entire relationship can be boiled down into one look that is surmised by two pieces of punctuation ----> :|
But anyway, what was your favourite part of the film?
But anyway, what was your favourite part of the film?
EdwardFan1990: My favourite part was probably when they went to that lovely little island. Or maybe the wedding. How about yours?
Lawrence: Granted, that place looked like it was borrowed from Richard Branson. I think the part I enjoyed the most, and the only redeeming section of the film, was the speeches the guests did at the wedding. That was moderately amusing, and probably the only time I smiled apart from when the lights went up at the end.
EdwardFan1990: You're just a *pause*, actually I better stop swearing. To be honest, if I remember correctly Lawrence you said you actually liked it. Every time I looked at you, you looked like you were enjoying it so you can shut up. You're just trying to look really hard on the internet and pretend to everyone that you don't like Twishite. But secretly, you do.
Lawrence: This is a downright lie LAURA BRAGG. AND YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED, WENCH.
EdwardFan1990: Fuck you.
Lawrence: This is a downright lie LAURA BRAGG. AND YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED, WENCH.
EdwardFan1990: Fuck you.
This is basically the trouble with twilight. There's people that will probably go through the whole series enjoying every little kiss, every awkward moment when the in-laws try and eat Bella's newborn child, however it's not really my cup of placenta. I found the film extremely predictable, simple, and thoroughly devoid of any enjoyment. This BREAKING YAWN film is easily broken down into three segments: the wedding, the honeymoon, the birth. And there's no real high point or climax in there at all. Oh how I tried to give the whole teenage romance/sexuality/abstinence angle a shot, but I'm afraid I was well wide of the target.
Twilight is the 2000's answer to John Hughes and the Breakfast Club for fuck's sake, and he would be rolling in his grave right now if he saw what some of the young uns were going to see. Miss you John!
Twilight is the 2000's answer to John Hughes and the Breakfast Club for fuck's sake, and he would be rolling in his grave right now if he saw what some of the young uns were going to see. Miss you John!
Fuck Twishite.
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