First things first:

HELLO EVERYONE. This is the first post of the first blog of the rest of your life.

Just to give you a run down on exactly what is happening before your eyes: I'm a film student/lover/aficionado (I GOT A 2:1 SO FAR MOTHERFUCKERS). I made this for someplace to write down inner thoughts about films you may or may not be interested in. There'll be mostly new ones sure, but what about films that you might have missed whilst you were giving your mother what's for? Before you ask: yes, an opening paragraph your mother line was necessary - start as you mean to continue and that. SO...

Well I suppose I saw Harry Potter the other day. That seems like a logical place to begin.

HARRY POTTER AND THE END OF A SHIT FRANCHISE

It was pretty crap though really. I mean it's all well and good to be dazzled as a 10 year old by a hat which talks, or Maggie Smith transforming from a cat to a pissed off Maggie Smith; but I'm now out of my teenage years and have no intention of seeing this twat on screen ever again:

Don't even ask what I had to type into google for this one.

I can't help but feel Rowling could have gone a different direction with the above picture; Harry would have at least been put in Hufflepuff, and boy would that have made things interesting. The franchise almost took the alternative path when he had the infamous almost kiss with that Chinese girl, but I would have given anything for Chris Colombus to have altered the novel and had Ron and Harry at it in the Chamber of Secrets whilst that pedophile Mr Filch taped it. Just me?

Sexual tension broken, onto the film. It was OK. There were enough fairly impressive special effects and  Wizarding battles to keep the viewer entertained, however nothing was jaw dropping. Nothing stuck with you after you left. There were no real hooks or moments of absolute awe that cinema should leave you with. The closest the film came to anything like that was a perplexing sequence with Gandalf in a "clean" Kings Cross station, when the Orc was underneath the bench; it just didn't fit in with the rest of the movie. It was more bewilderment than wonder.

Also, it seemed to be that Harry had to be on screen in every single shot or else the audience would think he was dead and the war was lost. All the plot twists are explained directly, and nothing is left up to interpretation or even independent thought. Show and tell is the name of the game, with Yates not giving the audience any credit, treating them like imbeciles throughout most of the film.

I feel like I could go on and bitch and moan more about the poor acting, the terrible colour matching schemes (at one point from light blue to almost yellow in a shot/reverse shot in Gringots), and the lack of Emma Watson screen time - but that would be unfair. The film broke box office records, it broke franchise records and it broke my faith in mankind. Video relevant:

His mum probably filmed this for him.

Sadly I was just never one for Harry Potter. Sure the fans will love it, alas I am a mere muggle. Honestly, I'm just glad it's over and no longer will my news feed on facebook be clogged with people liking these dud HP pages. I'm tired of seeing the likes of: "The awkward moment when you win the TriWizard cup and it's a portkey" and "Putting Harry Potter in the Non-Fiction Section where they belong" or even "I'm not trying to threaten you or anything, but I know Voldemort". WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO. Well now he's dead so there's no one to protect you from a beating with the hardback copy of Goblet of Fire that's collecting dust in the loft.

The best part was definitely Alan Rickman.

/opinions