REVIEW - TWISHITE: BREAKING YAWN

Good morrow young sirs. I trust you all had a terrific festive period, filled with merriment and enough booze to fill George Best's sodden liver. AND that everyone watched Treasure Island. Eddie Izzard was fucking rad! Besides that, I have a lot of reviews to catch up on. Been busy since returning from the land of the free watching a film just about every Wednesday. So here goes the first installment of 2012's Philly Philms, may this year be a marked improvement from the last.

The first film I saw, on literally my second day back in the country, was (unfortunately) TWISHITE: BREAKING YAWN. There's a lot of stigma attached to these films; for obvious reasons the majority is negative. However, I felt that before I could give my two cents on the love story of the decade I should at least watch it. It's always annoying when a diehard fan's only defence is "WELL YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT." So I travelled to the cinema, bought my bloody ticket, took out my notepad, and began writing as many jokes about the film I could in a runtime of 117 minutes.

they were pretty much all based around this concept.

This very special review features a guest columnist, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax purposes, and will therefore be referred to as "EdwardFan1990."

Lawrence: So, EdwardFan1990, you've seen this film twice now. What did you think of it? Was it everything you hoped for and more?

EdwardFan1990: Yea. Yea. Edward's hot. Really hot. Bella's a bitch for taking him.

Lawrence: I see. So is the prime reason you enjoy this series because of young Monsieur Pattinson?

EdwardFan1990: Yeah, I just like to perv over him. Despite having a boyfriend who is much hotter.

Lawrence: You really don't mind that there's a shitty narrative, barely any character development, and probably some of the worst acting since Troll 2?

..if not worse

EdwardFan1990: Well you're just a fuck. At least I don't cry at Wall-E. You cry at Wall-E.

Lawrence: That's because those robots actually have some chemistry you soppy woman, something that Bella and Edward have clearly never heard of. Their entire relationship can be boiled down into one look that is surmised by two pieces of punctuation ----> :|
But anyway, what was your favourite part of the film?

EdwardFan1990: My favourite part was probably when they went to that lovely little island. Or maybe the wedding. How about yours?

Lawrence: Granted, that place looked like it was borrowed from Richard Branson. I think the part I enjoyed the most, and the only redeeming section of the film, was the speeches the guests did at the wedding. That was moderately amusing, and probably the only time I smiled apart from when the lights went up at the end.

EdwardFan1990: You're just a *pause*, actually I better stop swearing. To be honest, if I remember correctly Lawrence you said you actually liked it. Every time I looked at you, you looked like you were enjoying it so you can shut up. You're just trying to look really hard on the internet and pretend to everyone that you don't like Twishite. But secretly, you do.

Lawrence: This is a downright lie LAURA BRAGG. AND YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED, WENCH.

EdwardFan1990: Fuck you.

This is basically the trouble with twilight. There's people that will probably go through the whole series enjoying every little kiss, every awkward moment when the in-laws try and eat Bella's newborn child, however it's not really my cup of placenta. I found the film extremely predictable, simple, and thoroughly devoid of any enjoyment. This BREAKING YAWN film is easily broken down into three segments: the wedding, the honeymoon, the birth. And there's no real high point or climax in there at all. Oh how I tried to give the whole teenage romance/sexuality/abstinence angle a shot, but I'm afraid I was well wide of the target.

Twilight is the 2000's answer to John Hughes and the Breakfast Club for fuck's sake, and he would be rolling in his grave right now if he saw what some of the young uns were going to see. Miss you John!

Fuck Twishite.

REVIEW - INNI

You'll have to excuse the 2 month radio silence; been chillin' out maxin', relaxin', and all the other shit that you do when you're Philadelphia born and raised. Thankfully "COLLEGE" has cooled down a touch this past weekend and I was able to scrape the nickels and dimes (still unsure of the monetary value of either) together and make the trip to support my local cinema, and one of my favourite bands, and see Inni - the brand spanking new Sigur Rós film.

worth the two year wait

The film opens in media res with Jonsí and co. doing a live interview for NPR. The interviewer asks: "Did you always make this experimental music? Or did you start off by making sort of normal music?" Questionable looks and laughter exchanged, the film launches into a stunning rendition of Ný batterí. The set list of the film might disappoint some (no Glósóli for example), but the songs they have included gel with incredible power to set the haunting, sombre and emotionally draining tone of the film. The bassist, in a short cut scene, is asked about how he would define the band. To which he replies "We write heavy metal. We worship the devil and then we make music for him". That's hard to argue against after watching Inni.


The most impressive part of Inni is how much of a film it actually is. By that I mean that most band released projects are documentary based, with spots of old footage and interviews interspersed with a few live recordings. Inni, however, is nothing like this. There's a couple of quick quips, and nothing more. The impetus of the film is the intensely personal and engulfing live experience that Sigur Rós offers their fans. Inni makes you completely forget your surroundings, almost entirely removing the audience, and any sense of place.

yep, still personal.

The aesthetics of the film really drive this home. Vincent Morisset, the director of the film (who has worked on projects with Arcade Fire before), gives the viewer an amazing visual experience through his unique shooting technique. Originally shot on HD Digital, he then transfered it to 16mm film and afterwards projected this print and re-filmed. Whilst re-filming, he passed various objects in front of the projector - pieces of glass, etc. - to give the film a stunning impressionist look. How he got the idea I don't have a clue, whether divine intervention or a drunken bet, i'm fucking glad he did it. Inni's visuals easily match, if not surpass, the soundtrack of the film; the two in tandem work, literally, like a dream.

dude..

Obviously the lack of narrative shortens its talkability, however hopefully I've implanted the seed of going. I urge each and every one of you to go see this film, I think there's one more showing in London on the 20th of this month for y'all home bros. If you don't like Sigur Rós then you'll fall for the visuals. If you don't like the visuals then you'll love the music. If you don't enjoy either then you're not my friend. 

if this doesn't tempt you, nothing will.

REVIEW - RED STATE

It's difficult to name a contemporary filmmaker with more talent than Kevin Smith. He writes, draws, edits, stars in and directs all his projects - all while being incredibly stoned. When I was first introduced to his work I was warned of its brilliance; I chose, perhaps naively, to ignore the cautioning tales and watch Clerks - a film that immediately shot into my top 10 of all time. Since that fateful night I have been swooned by Kevin's filmography and his loving face.

I think the term is "man crush"

The buzz around his latest project, Red State, has been tempered with controversy. First he stated he was going to auction the rights to distributors after Sundance, only to keep the film himself. As such the film has limited theatrical release (it's readily available online though). Then there were various protests by the crazy fuckers over at Westboro Baptist Church. Red State is also Smith's penultimate film, he has vowed to stop directing after one last huzzah - the film was shrouded in importance before it was even released.

The opening 10 minutes or so really don't feel like a Kevin Smith film, visually at least. The camera isn't stagnant and the atmosphere is different to any of his other works, which may lead to fans questioning whether it really is the bearded maestro behind the camera. However, Smith quickly immerses the viewer in his film world through his usual trusty tool: dialogue. Some critics attribute overwriting as one of Smith's weaknesses as a filmmaker. They couldn't be more wrong. The constant conversation is what hooks audiences, gets their attention, and is really where Smith thrives. Red State is packed with more quotable quips than an episode of South Park, and better speeches than a Coen Brothers film. My favourite is when an FBI agent asks John Goodman's character "how much do you think an iron cross like that costs?" to which Goodman replies "You mean in dollars or common sense?"

ZING.

Red State is also different from any other Smith film in terms of its ideology and message. The film feels like a black coffee served straight to the Tea Party. It focuses on the backwards religious fundamentalists of small town America, the kind of people that hate just about everyone that isn't in their own insular community. The film's narrative is driven by the religious folk and their belief that "God hates Fags!" and all that bull honkey. This sets up the rest of the film and eventually escalates to all out warfare between these crackpots and John fuckin' Goodman, who has direct orders to exterminate every last person inside the premises. The naivety and foolishness of the fundamentalists is openly condemned, and the far right of American culture is criticised in an ironic and Smith-esque finale.

He has a good point.

The only down beat is that the film doesn't function as the horror film it's billed as. The only frightening thing in the film is the ignorance of the religious fundamentalists, and that they could be in any small town from East to West coast. There's no edge of your seat moments, or any real suspense building so the film is better viewed as a satirical commentary so people watching it as a horror aren't disappointed. 

Overall, the film isn't the best Smith has made (Clerks set the bar pretty high). It is, however, probably the best film i've seen this year and y'all should definitely give it a chance. Plus, if you don't know Kevin Smith then you should REALLY give him a shout, you definitely wont be disappointed.

Just a little taster.

REVIEW - THE INBET-WEINERS

The Inbetweeners. A sit-mock-rom-comedy that has seeped through our television screens and into popular culture for nye on 3 years now. It's difficult to evade facebook like pages, to avoid slipping into quote/counter quote conversations, and so hard to stop reminiscing sessions of just how good that Thorpe park episode really was. And so it was no surprise that on August 19th 2011, thousands of youngsters flocked from their suburban nests to pack cinemas full of clunge for one last hurrah.

so fucking rad

Looking around an at-capacity cinema screen, I saw 16 year olds that wanted to be the first to put a quote as their facebook status - but also various 45 year old couples that had come with the intention of taking notes on exactly what their son/daughter got up to on their week in Malia. That's the first thing that strikes you about the Inbetweeners, and always has; the terse, succinct and accurate writing style that Damon Beesley and Iain Morris have nailed since series 1.

Having been on a couple of LAD holidays in my time, I feel fairly well versed in the ongoings and wrongdoings that occur in these beautiful promenades of youth. Bar street is indeed full of young ladies who use all the charm and guile they can summon from within to get you into their establishment, I have witnessed their witchcraft break the soul of stronger men than I. True too, are the numbered morons that unashamedly walk about on a so-called 'pussy patrol'. The nicknames are private jokes that have never, and will never, be funny. The numbers are the brain cell count. The collars are popped. The Inbetweeners movie has it perfect.

Numbered to save asking how many STDs each has.

What I found perplexing whilst walking into the cinema was the amount of people present that seemed to fit the very stereotype that the Inbetweeners mocks. I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, but i've seen plenty of my share of these folk - the kind that go to a club and form a gun with their fingers, thrust it up and down in the air whilst pursing their lips at the nearest "gash". Therefore I found it quite strange that large sections of the audience were laughing at jokes aimed at themselves. Not a criticism, just something I felt was worth pondering.

The film focuses on a topic at the core of every 18 year old: Girls. Our 4 likely lads become enamored with some ladies after they view Neil's dancing in an ironic and hilarious manner. They pair off and respectively struggle to understand the female psyche, seemingly ruining any chance they have with getting any "clunge". The trials and tribulations of teenage love in sun/alcohol drenched Malia are central to the enormous success of the Inbetweeners movie.

Overall the film is exceedingly enjoyable. The fear, for me, was that when shows make feature length episodes, they can sometimes flop like that fish Neil punched in Season 2. However this movie manages to keep viewer's interest with a 2 Euro cocktail of jokes, sarcasm and decent plot lines that wont leave you with your head down the toilet the next morning. Also, If you haven't been on a holiday like it then I would recommend going, you'll find the film infinitely more comedic (and have a rad time).

LADS ON TOUR.

REVIEW - THE SMURFING 3D SMURFS

What a pile of smurf. I don't want to bore you with the details and intricacies of how fucking poor this film is, but here's a few things for you to consider.

I was, until the end credits, vehemently unaware that Katy Perry voiced Smurfette. That makes the "I kissed a smurf and I liked it" joke plumet from awful to just plain disgraceful and vomit inducing. I don't know who wrote the script for the film - but I hope for their sake that they used a pseudonym, because lines like that will haunt you for the rest of your career.

She can be excused.

It also has Hank Azaria (you know, David from friends/every Simpson character ever) as Gargamel (sp), and the majority of the film's comic relief comes via his shortcomings. There's also a starring role offered to Neil Patrick Harris, who I've always had my issues with (not the gay thing, that's fine), he's just always struck me as a massive cock who can't really act.

When I get sad, I stop watching the shit films/shows you're in. True story bro!

There's not much to say about the Smurfs - it's a pretty much exactly like you would imagine a Smurf's movie to be like. Also, it's in 3D; which fucking blows anyway, but they must have been particularly poor in post production because the NY Skyline and most buildings have a horrible blur around them for the majority of the film. That, twinned with the fucking song, had me almost suicidal by the end of the 90 minutes and leaning towards empathising with that Gargamouth dude.

To give it credit, it did have me sharply exhaling at points with some gooooorgeously meta-post-modern-homage jokes that were clearly aimed at adults who brought their kids (or in my case, 20 year old girlfriend) to keep them happy during the long summer months.

SEQUEL?

REVIEW - SUPER OCHO

Hey, it's that early 80s American summer blockbuster that's about childhood, nostalgia, and innocence prevailing over society's fear and lack of understanding of an unknown specimen that came down from the stars.

Close, but no cigar.

You'd be forgiven for thinking I was referring to E.T. - particularly because Spielberg produced Super 8, and was clearly the puppet master of the entire project. However, this film has just enough of Abrams fascination/obsession with unseen mystery and rad aliens to (literally) derail it before Super 8 follows E.T. down the tunnel of American cliches. ALTHOUGH, there's a brazen homage/copy/unimaginative use of the phone home pose..

You can send emails now.

What you cannot see on the end of the lead little kid's arm is that he's holding onto his dead mother's locket, a supposed metaphor that he has to let his mother go. However, throughout the film the kid seems completely well adjusted with this sub plot of his mother's passing (more so than the Dad anyway), and seems to only use the locket as a comfort thing every now and again. The lead little kid seems far more concerned with saving and then holding hands the lead little girl (Dakota Fanning Jr.).

Kinky little bastard.

There was lots of talk about the train crash being the best ever on film. And it is fucking sweet, with lots of BOOMs, etc. It lasts about two minutes and is well worth watching, as the production value and continuity of the sequence was absolutely wicked. Although it is slightly reminiscent of something Michael Bay would do on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Save y'all the entrance fee.

The narrative of Super 8 runs parallel to the development of the halfling's own film: The Case. Their project starts off as a summer activity to enter into a film competition, but finds extra meaning when they coincidentally happen to be filming when the above train crash happens. Their film focuses on an outbreak of a chemical that turns everyone into Zombies - a clever homage to George Romero, King of Flesh Eaters. The audience gets to see it as the end credits roll, and in my opinion, it's easily the most enjoyable part of the whole film:

 

Haven't seen acting this good since 'nam.

As hard as Abrams tried to include mystery and create suspense, Spielberg was just too dominant of a force on this project - so the shape shifting cubes, the alien's ability to communicate and the military's involvement was skimmed over in favour of themes of family forgiveness and understanding and other soppy crap that sells to the American public and wins Spielberg Oscars. As such, it ends up like a mix of E.T. and Cloverfield, leaning heavily towards the former - so unfortunately I didn't enjoy it too much. Also, I pretty much spent the whole 2 hours trying to figure out where I recognised the Dr. Woodward character from..

THE WIRE! HE'S IN THE WIRE!

REVIEW - CAPTAIN 'MURKA: The World's Worst Avenger

Sadly there was never much hope for this film. Captain America is probably one of the worst Superheroes that Marvel/DC/anyone has ever created, and deserves to be placed on this list: Cracked - The 7 Crappiest Super Heroes in Comic Book History. He was made by Marvel in '41 mostly as propaganda, to boost the morale of the American G.I.s screwing Europe's women for a Hershey bar. He wears a US flag, has some stupid shield and shoots a pistol with infinite bullets. He's also that same damned underdog character that appears in about 98% of American blockbusters, you know - the one who's from a poor background, has no luck, gets given no chance; but find the courage, has enough heart and American blood in him to overcome any foreign Communist or Fascist obstacle to reach his goal, where his woman is usually in wait.

THERE HE IS. That guy.

Despite the overarching shitness of its lead character, the film was given a chance with its fairly decent bill of actors. Hugo Weaving and Tommy Lee Jones to name a couple, plus it was directed by Joe Johnston - who did Jumanji and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I wish I could tell you that these lovely people rescued it from the depths of comic crapdom, unfortunately this is not the case. The film decided not to use its trump cards on the right hand, and instead decided focus on an overly cliche and heavily sentimental plot of America standing up for the little guy with its captain of lycra. This film makes Hugo Weaving look bad, and we all know that's not true.

ALL HAIL.

You've got to wonder how much of an underdog, good-triumphing-over-evil, story line one film can handle. Turns out, not that much - with Cap'n Murka singlehandedly attempting to take down a group of Ultra Nazis, headed by a red faced Hugo Weaving, whilst trying to learn how to talk to women, defend his nations identity and avenge his best bud. Sure, there's enough pretty sweet action sequences, and some pretty rad deaths-by-shield, to interject the "America is the Greatest" theme and make the film enjoyable at points; but that's about all it has to offer. Also, there's a sequence with C.America on a motorbike fighting henchmen whilst driving through a forest that I thought looked suspiciously familiar...

CAPTAIN LUKE SKYWALKER vs...

PRINCESS AMERICA

Just me?








Plagiarism arguments and petty idea stealing disputes aside - one strength of the film is in its homage/link to Iron Man. Howard Stark, father of Tony Stark (IRON MAN/R.D.Jr) is the ever-suave scientific mind behind all of the technology our hero gets his hands on. Including that damned shield, which is made from the most expensive/rare/lovely metal known to Stark Industries, is tough enough to take anything the Nazis fire at it, AND acts as a constant boomerang wherever America chucks it.

Probably why he loves it so much.

There is just enough of the right amount of Stark, so thankfully we don't see an over reliance on the already successful Iron Man franchise. We do see, however, this film as the perfect lead out for Marvel into their Avengers series, and so The First Avenger feels more of a stepping for better things - rather than a film that can stand on its own two feet and sing the star spangled banner. Obviously there's going to be a Captain America 2, the ending was a little too obvious about that fact, but THE AVENGERS is probably the more important film for them - and hopefully it will be a tad better, because I do not have high hopes for Cpt. USA Pt. 2.

What can't this man do?