REVIEW - THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

The release of Nolan's thrilling conclusion has been surrounded by anticipation, frantic guessing and unfortunately, tragedy. Events in Colorado have slightly marred the release of DKR, but one yank maniac could not stop hordes of Batman faithful from flocking into cinemas on opening weekend; nor could he stop scores of ridiculous journalists from flooding the print and internet with various spoilers. Have no fear, if you are yet to feast your eyes on Bale and co. then this review will ruin nothing. It will, instead, contain some of the worst batman jokes you've ever heard. Apologies in advance.

thankfully not literally: "Batman Forever"

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Get in the car, Robin.

Val Kilmer had his go, as have many others over the years - and so the challenge with adopting a series like this becomes how to define yourself against a back catalogue of all-too-similar Batmans. Nolan's great success from this series has been rooted in his ability to shroud the film in his unique aesthetic and avoid slipping into the established, boring, familiar genre tropes of shoddy superhero films. On the fast track to becoming an Auteur, his filmography reads dark, stylish, and unpredictable - accompanied by his brother, Jonathan, he has forged some of the most perplexingly brilliant stories that every screenwriter wishes they had penned. Oh, and he has a little help from an ensemble of actors he strings across his films: Leo, Hardy, Bale, Caine, Freeman, Neeson, not to forget...

the man married Uma Thurman

Why is Batman's voice so deep?

Because he suffers from larynJUSTICE

DKR picks up where the Dark Knight left off. Bruce has become somewhat of a Howard Hughes character - shut away from Gotham, entrapped by a city that has falsely exiled Batman, in favour of an equilibrium of peace achieved by the Dent act. The film opens at a benefit held at the newly built Wayne manor, where Commissioner Gordon is about to expose Harvey Dent for his true character; however at the last moment decides to pocket the speech, deciding Gotham is not yet ready for some hard truths. This is also the setting for the introduction of one of the most fondly awaited moments for the male viewing community: Catwoman. And Anne Hathaway does not disappoint, minxing her way onto the screen and into Wayne's private quarters (not like that) where she nabs his Mother's ol' pearls, you know the ones from Batman Begins, before escaping down a pipe (again, not like that). Brief introduction and sexy screen time done with, the film then hurtles into the main storyline with a ferocious pace that it never relinquishes. Introducing Bane.

kiddy got clawz

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Hijacking the Gotham stock exchange is no easy feat, unless you're Tom Hardy in a breathing mask. Making light work of a few guards and bankrupting the Wayne Corporation in a matter of minutes, Bane thrusts Bruce into gear; despite the best words of cockney wisdom from ol' Michael Caine, he dons the suit once more. Hot on the tail of Bane and Batman, the Gotham PD make a somewhat ill advised decision to go after the masked vigilante. However, aided with a new toy from Fox, aptly named "The Bat", we see Bruce take to the air and make it back safely to his now liquidated Batcave. He now has his prerogative of the film, stop whatever the hell Bane is planning. With only Gordon, Blake (new detective played by Gordon-Levitt), and Catwoman even believing Bane exists; Wazza enlists the help of Hathaway to guide him to Bane's sewer hide out. In a confrontation and the first real bout of fistycuffs of the film, Bane breaks, destroys and generally beats the Bat out of Bruce. He then informs our caped crusader that the League of Shadows are firmly in his control, and on the move to fulfil what Bruce only delayed in the opener of the trilogy - to destroy Gotham.

superb fight sequences

How does Batman's mother call him for Dinner?

dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

Bane then makes the very common super villain mistake, he keeps Bruce alive. Choosing to place him in the supposed worst prison in the world to teach him a lesson of subversion - to reduce someone that had everything, to nothing. Herein lies the main thesis of the film, and back at Gotham a similar project is already underway. The ruling class go on "trial" to be "sentenced" by the Scarecrow, where they are offered the choice between exile over the frozen river or death; tough. All the while the criminals loot, pillage and have their way over the city. There's no surprise, then, that this is probably Nolan's darkest looking Batman (although it's mighty close between the 3) - embedding Gotham and the prison with dark hues and shadows, the camera rarely sees any light; couple that with morose performances from Bale, Hardy & Hathaway. But just as Bruce's father once asked - why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up, Weezy! In Batman & Gotham's darkest fall yet, the question is whether there's enough energy left in weary legs to do so. 

"shut the fuck up, crime"

What's Batman's favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na n-GRAPEFRUIT

That's as far as I want to go regarding plot development, I fear any more comments would be dangerously bordering on spoilers. Ultimately, it's everything you thought it would be, and more. There's regular witty one liners, an overall sheen of incredibly stylised cinematography, some phenomenal action sequence editing, a stupendously sexy Anne Hathaway & some cunning twists and turns that will keep even the most seasoned viewer honest. Nolan indulges his audience in everything we've become accustomed to since Batman Begins those short 7 years ago. And in my opinion some of the negative reviews have become just that - too comfortable and unappreciative. Also ignore anyone that says you can't understand Bane, wash your ears folks. Arguably the finest 2 hours and 45 minutes of cinema this year, DKR has a very special and unique feel as the finale of the second best trilogy this side of the Millennia (LOTR). I take my Bathat off to you Nolan. And i'm not at all sorry for the jokes.

46/50 States

SPECIAL - INSIDE TARANTINO'S MIND

There are many questions that arise from watching Tarantino films: why is QT so obsessed with feet? whatever happens to Mr. Pink? do they speak English in "What"?  are a few that spring to mind. Theories have been posed, forums flooded, but an air of mystery still lingers around QT's filmography.  A couple of days ago I stumbled upon this great short called: "Inside Tarantino's Mind" - made by a duo of Brazilian directors, it has a Coffee & Cigarettes-esque feel to a discussion surrounding recurring motifs and characters in QT's films, and exposes Tarantino's remarkable resemblance to Roger Federer.

Wimbledon just got a whole lot more interesting

Do a bit of googling and you can soon find plenty of articles on Tarantino's alternate universe theory, one I've become increasingly interested in. I don't feel QT really gets the credit he deserves. Sure he looks like a raging pervert, but for Christ's sake, the man made a Neil Diamond song seem fucking cool. he's made the films every aspiring writer wished he/she had inked. But it's much bigger than that. You see all of Tarantino's films - the ones he's written and directed - are all inexplicably linked by more than just a brand of cigarettes.

seriously, Neil - fucking - Diamond

The theory begins with the first movie universe, a realer than real world in which True Romance, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, Inglourious Basterds and the upcoming Django Unchained are set. Predominately established by character relations - for example: Mr. White had worked with Alabama from True Romance + Mr. Blonde (Vic Vega) and Vincent Vega are brothers. QT has confirmed this and stated he once had plans to make a prequel to Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, which would've been set in Amsterdam - sadly now Travolta has too many years and massages under his belt. 

under the belt, geddit?

Expand this further - the "Bear Jew", aka Donny Donowitz, is the father of movie producer Lee Donowitz from True Romance. In QT's movie universe, all the characters have grown up learning how a faction of commando Jews de-scalped hundreds of Nazis, eventually machine gunning Hitler's face until it looked nothing more than a spilled bowl of salsa. The argument goes that because WWII ended in dramatic fashion in a movie theatre, everyone in this universe lends a far greater significance to popular culture - debating Madonna's Like a Virgin over breakfast becomes common place, and everyone has a much more in depth knowledge of cinema and TV. Since the war was won in a perilous act of hyper-violent slaughter, everyone is also more desensitized to murder - think Butch and Esmerelda the cab driver's sexualisation of violence, Vincent Vega's distinct lack of real worry when he shoots Marvin in the face, and last but not least - Mr. Blonde's pure glee as he slices, tortures and jives around to Steeler's Wheel.

common place in the QT world

With me so far? Good, 'cause this is where shit starts to hit the fan. Y'see, inside the first universe, there lies another. QT has gone on record as saying that Kill Bill and From Dusk 'til Dawn take place in what he deemed a "movie-movie universe" - that is, they are movies that characters from the first universe (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, etc.) would go and see in cinemas. Kill Bill, after all, is essentially Fox Force Five, right down to Mia Wallace playing the title role. And who would make these super violent cavalcades you ask? Son of "bear jew" of course! Nobody is better placed to come up with these movies than Lee Donowitz, produced in a world where America's crowning victory was locking a bunch of people in a movie theatre and blowing it to smithereens. 

"Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead."

Right. So basically now we've got every single one of Tarantino's films placed. In this theory he made them all within one overarching world, which is fucking genius. There's so many little details that you can notice if you really look for them. For example, props in the first universe also appear as popular culture references in the movie-movie universe. In Pulp Fiction, Butch butchers Zed with a sword made by none other than Hattori Hanzo - a fictional Hattori Hanzo then grafts the Bride her new toy in Kill Bill. Red Apple cigarettes are famously smoked by all in the first universe, but appear predominately as advertisements in the movie-movie. The same way Malboro, for example, might be injected into films for the same purpose. 

Finally, the briefcase! The contents of which have been up for debate since '94. How about if I told you that Vince and Jules were sent to retrieve the briefcase of diamonds that were stolen from Mr. Pink at the end of Reservoir Dogs. Sound plausible? It would make sense seeing as the Vega brothers are the link between the crime syndicates of Joe and Marsellus, and it explains the glow that emits from the case each time it opens. So there you have it. A rough QT fan theory that you may, or may not, buy into. Personally I'd like to believe. But all I'm sure of is that I cannot fucking wait for Django Unchained, as it predates the chronology of Inglourious (which should be interesting), and it looks absolutely rad.

best xmas present ever

REVIEW - PROMETHEUS

You'll have to excuse the delay on this review. First off, as the film was originally billed as a supposed prequel to Alien, I've been trying to find some time to watch the original Scott film for the past couple of weeks. Then, after a couple of broken links and a few free ipads, I decided that Prometheus should be viewed in its own right. It deserves to be taken as it stands - exploring its own Alien mythology and ideas - and it stands mighty tall. Also, I was trying to think of a witty pun of the film title, unfortunately my outdated comedy talents have failed me for the umpteenth time.

i'm sorry

The "cool story" of Brometheus (again, so sorry) begins with a short prologue of a humanoid standing on top of a waterfall looking all contemplative. Then suddenly the bro begins to dissolve into the flowing water, fading quicker than the hopes of an English penalty shoot out victory. This alien had previously left about a dozen star maps, or invitations, around our planet Earth; the last of which protagonist Elizabeth Shaw discovers in bonnie ol' Scotland. Shaw then becomes enamoured with the theory that these star maps have been left by what she dubs: "engineers" - the creators of human life as we know it. As most of you are aware, i'm sure, Prometheus is actually a prominent figure of Greek mythology; and became a figure who represented the quest for scientific knowledge, and the risk of overreaching or unintended consequences. This non-wikipedia quote perfectly explains the thesis of the film - whether Shaw's efforts to explain, and improve, human existence will end up in tragedy, or should we leave our disintegrating brethren alone?

thug

Shaw teams up with the mighty Weyland corporation, fueled by Mr Weyland's dollar and Charlize Theron's hormones, and follows the star map straight to the wee moon LV-223. We join starship Prometheus as the android David (played by the cheekbones of Fassbender) wakes up the crew from their cryogenic chambers of sleep, an ensemble consisting of: the afore mentioned Shaw and Theron, alongside Shaw's jacked up alpha male love interest, a super cool Stringer Bell (Idris Elba) and about a half dozen other forgettable crew members. They land near a giant super structure and their mission is explained - explore and report, but absolutely no touchy. Unfortunately the latter half of this sentence seems to escape the majority of the crew - this is when the film starts to get interesting.

"There's games beyond the fucking game"

The most appealing part of Prometheus is the subplot surrounding David, the android and surrogate son of Mr. Weyland. Whilst Shaw and her fellow humans dick about playing explorer, David goes off on his lonesome, and is apparently able to decipher the codings on the wall after a few years of listening to the Alien equivalent of Rosetta stone. His stone neutrality, delivered brilliantly by Fassbender who is quickly becoming my favourite actor (checkout Shame & Hunger), is reminiscent of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Fassbender brings that little red circle to life, and it is immediately clear that just like HAL, David has ulterior motives and the crew are mistaken to place their trust in a not so basic android.

oops

The film really picks up its pace and we feel as if we're edging closer and closer to the answer Prometheus set out to reveal, however due to some slightly constricted writing from Damon Lindelof, I'm not sure we ever really get there. Make up your own mind, of course, but I feel Lindelof is up to his old tricks again; trying to write too many ideas and grandiose theories into one project that it ends up convoluted and unresolved (sound familiar Lost fans?). Still - Prometheus is entirely enjoyable, and it's probably the best film i've seen shot in 3D, with some absolutely superb cinematography and tone shifts in scenes, and Fassbender's cheekbones look even more delightful. Yum. 

42/50 States

REVIEW - AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

IT'S RADICAL.

FILMS TO GET PSYCHED ABOUT

This summer has the potential to be a smacker. If you find yourself in desperate need of shelter from the buckets of rain and biting cold of mid-June, or maybe you just want a moment away from the embarrassing opening ceremony of the Olympics (who's idea was it to follow China?); perhaps you just have to escape seeing another torrid performance from Woy the boy's (premature speculation, I know) squad of failures, goofs, and has-beens - you should look no further than your local dark room filled with dozens of strangers. Grab your nearest compatriot, sneak some 99p starburst into your pockets and get yo' punk ass down to see some high quality moving images.

I was spurred to write this mainly because of the irrevocable and intense feeling of joy that I felt after watching the international launch trailer of Prometheus that was released yesterday. Ridley Scott is one of my favourite directors - Blade Runner is the shit, and Black Hawk Down is probably my favourite war movie (maybe a close second to Behind Enemy Lines) - but Prometheus sees Scott returning to what he began over 30 years ago with Alien. He's doing a quasi-prequel, and he's doing it properly. With a little writing help from Damon Lindelof of Lost fame, which means it's sure to have some vibe of "jesus christ, what the fuck is going on here?" Plus if you still need to find another reason - it stars Fassbender, Guy Pearce AND Idris Alba.

YO STRING.

Sticking with the intergalactic for just one moment: Philly Philm's very own Willard Christopher Smith is back from a bit of a soppy hiatus - Pursuit of Happiness/Seven Pounds/I Am Legend - to return to the role that he was born to play. Yes ladies and gentlemen, MIB III is round the corner. This is one that i'm slightly more skeptical about - the MIB franchise is one of my all time favourites and I'm just not sure if it's been left dormant too long; whether returning to it they're going to find it's lost its gusto, its zing, its energy, and is now, as a trilogy, just going to crawl across the finish line vomiting blood. Plus the film features Will using a time travel device to vault himself back to 1960s USA. Don't know if he's ever flicked past the History channel, but that was not the smartest of moves. Head South and pronounce gay rights, J, not even moving to Bel Air will save you.

this has all my favourite things

From the serious, through the comical, to the downright fucking badass in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Just to give you some idea, the tag line for this film is: "President Lincoln's mother was killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers." WHAT? That's the sort of sentence you have to read a few times before it really sinks in. Blink, rub your eyes, and you realise it WILL actually be the 16th President of my adopted nation CRUSHING (amazing verb choice 20th Century) hordes of proslavery vampires. So what if it's gonna be in 3D? And so what if Tim Burton has been sticking his dirty, unwashed, despicable hands in the project? This is going to be 90 minutes of watching Abraham Lincoln kill the shit out of some vampires, and I'm gonna imagine Edward Cullen's shining face on every last one of those bastards ol' honest Abe hacks down. Let me have this one pretty please?

historically RAD

Oh and then there's the little unfinished matter of Dark Knight Rises. Nolan's got a lot to live up to - the hype for this one has been intense. Fans are about ready to storm his Batcave in an angered mob (and by that I mean bitch on twitter and blogspot) if he disappoints the legions of pro-DC supporters. But it's the good type of pressure that comes after making 2 sublime Batman films. Hopefully Nolan thrives under this expectancy, and we are treated to lots of Cat Woman, lots of Michael Caine & Gary Oldman, and lots of awesome cinematography/editing/everything we've grown accustomed to under Nolan's sheltering batwing.

"I'm the batman"

REVIEW - CABIN IN THE HOOD

I'd like to begin with a Philms from Philly anecdote - living in North Philadelphia, an area where the majority population is of African American descent, my local cinema is one helluva hoot. Not just for the Boondocks Uncle Ruckus-esque ticket stub man, but also for the overall experience that you just can't get at home streaming off putlocker. If you've never watched a horror film before in the company of African Americans, then I plead you to add it to your bucket list. There's clapping, laughing, shouting, and at one point the guy in front of me genuinely proclaimed: "homeboy, why you be going up in there with no light on you dumb peckerwood?" I shit you not, it's worth the ticket price alone. 

scary movie gets it spot on

Onto the film. I've been looking forward to Cabin in the Woods since its inception - the brain child of Drew Goddard (Cloverfield, Lost) and Josh Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) had me at its first trailer. It sells itself as an neo-horror, utilising all the genre's tropes and conventions to toy with audience expectations in a manner that's simultaneously both hilarious and frightening. It's centered around a quintet of college kids, who fulfill the 5 most general stereotypes of late adolescence: the whore, the athlete, the virgin, the brains, and of course - the stoner. We've seen these character archetypes in horror films before, and this is the exact reason they have been "chosen" for this film.

white folks crazy

They believe they're headed out to the cabin to drink, smoke, play truth or dare and do other crazy white people stuff, when actually they are just pawns in a system much larger than themselves. Headed by Bradley Whitford (The West Wing!) and Richard Jenkins (every minor character ever), a super elite government task force in an underground bunker is actually preparing the chessboard for an all too real horror film; aimed to please their bosses, and entertain the filmic audience. Every move the 5 make, every decision, every aspect of the trip has been meticulously planned by Whitford and Jenkins with cunning guile. On arrival, they trigger a trap door to fling itself open (this is what prompted my fellow moviegoer to shout the above quote) and of course the famous 5 head downstairs quicker than you can say "Justin Bieber." 

terrifying

Whilst the younglings are Biebering about in the basement picking up artifacts and references from old horror films (which are also keys that will decide how they get killed), the film then cuts back to Whitford and Jenkins in their puppet master underground lab, where they are taking bets on which death machine the kids are going to unknowingly select. There's something slightly sadistic about this scene, but it's essentially what we are subconsciously doing each time we watch a horror film. We go into it with the expectation that there will be overkill, slaughter, and terror - knowing that the Virgin will probably survive due to her annoying shrieks, and that somehow all those years spent inside watching Gilmore Girls has probably just saved her life. Anyhow, without knowing it, the Virgin recites some bullshit Latin and awakes the Redneck Zombies - thus begins the show.

genuinely a film, too

The film's main narrative really picks up here, with a cat and mouse game between said Redneck Zombies and our protagonists, over watched by those back at the lab making sure everything goes smoothly. Unfortunately for them, through the everlasting power of marijuana, the stoner utilises his collapsable bong and uncovers their ruse. Then things start to take an interesting turn. About half way through the film the balance of power begins to shift, and all hell (LITERALLY) breaks loose with a barrage of horror characters unleashed into the filmic world - all your old favourites from the masked strangers to a mother-bloody Merman.

's a pretty good description..

The film is immensely entertaining, with decent quips that will make you laugh and moments that will make some jump. Its only weaknesses lie in its grand narrative - wont say anything other than Sigourney Weaver makes a questionable late entrance - and in its struggle to figure itself out. As in, it's essentially a semi-horror-comedy-thriller, without being one or the other. And the entire package wont be everyone's cup of tea, however I strongly recommend you get yourself down to your nearest African American movie theatre and treat yourself - you'll at least enjoy the Merman scene. I also really liked this film because it reminded me of how much I love Bradley Whitford and made me consider rewatching the West Wing...Janel Moloney - *sigh*

...better than IMDB anyhow

38/50 STATES

REVIEW - HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS

I would like to begin with a strong word of advice for everyone of y'all out there in the internet that found yourselves in the same position as me. If you have not read the books, watched the trailer, or heard much about THE HUNGRY GAME at all, then I urge you not to believe the folks that are going around spreading heinous lies that the film's anything like Battle Royale. The concept of a government forcing teenagers to fight to the death is where the similarities start and abruptly stop. I was expecting something completely different, but ultimately HG feels as if Battle Royale was rolled up into a PG rating, chewed by Tim Burton for a while, then spat out onto Stephenie Meyer's massive face.

it doesn't start like this either.

Admittedly, my expectations were probably a touch high. Credit where it's due, Hungry Games attempts to deal with the issue of voyeurism in reality TV (second episode of Black Mirror-esque). It sets up a pretty interesting dynamic - us as an audience spectating a nation, who in turn are watching a couple o' dozen teenagers attempt to kill each other. The culture of Panem, a fictional & futuristic USA, is incredibly reliant on this annual show of masochism - much like our nation of viewers enchanted by Jade Goody calling people Indian dishes. For almost 70 years the inhabitants in the 12 "districts" of Panem have tuned in and watched the bloodbath without having any complaints. Thankfully Big Brother wont last that long - touch wood.

day 9 of the big brother house

It sets up this dynamic, then shelves it in favour of a shitty love triangle that adolescent women are surely a little bit bored of by now? At the top point is one Katniss Everdeen, a young hunter from District 12 - an impoverished area of Panem - who is entered into the Hungry Games after she kindly and somewhat foolishly volunteers to replace her wee sister, whose name is drawn out of a hat as the "tribute" from their district. The other tribute, and second point of our triangle, comes in the form of Peeta, son of a baker whose only talent is throwing bread and doodling on himself. The final point is a young lad named Gale, who essentially has the same facial expression of disappointment throughout the entire ordeal. The whole trifecta is so similar to the Belwarcob - Bella, Edward, Jacob for all you nonbelievers - triangle I adored (see previous review) that it's frightening: you have the protective best friend and the dynamic vampire/baker both fighting for the affections of the super hot and very well acted female lead. 

a career man.

Triangle established, and interesting concept tossed aside, it's time to begin the Hungry Games. This is where the film should excel and really come into its own, but again it feels like it stops short of the mark. The tense thrill of battle, amazing action sequences and shocking death scenes never come to fruition. The opening of the Hungry Games sets the 24 participants around a mound of deadly weapons, and upon the first whistle the majority of our gladiators run to grab their favourites. Instead of a barrage of amazing Battle Royale-esque moments of overkill, the camera just shakes incessantly and cuts away from all the moments of impact. We are afforded some glimpses of what the film could, and should, have been. I'm thinking of the sequences toward the finale when the pace kicks up and Katniss actually uses her bow/trips balls after she gets stung by a wasp. 

she eventually learns how

For me, the best part was going to see the film in a North Philadelphia, African American dominated cinema. When a black character did something awesome with his axe, the majority of the audience started applauding and cheering - it was spectacular. Despite this, the action doesn't keep the viewer on the edge of their seat and there's not many surprises; the finale of the film is guessable from the beginning, as is the start to the sequel - the only real shocking moment is when Lenny Kravtiz appears as a camp fashion designer. Unexpected yet brilliant. Also Woody Harrelson plays a steaming drunk which is always fun to watch. Ultimately, however, Hungry Hungry Hippos would be a much better way to spend 2 hours and 22 minutes of your saturday afternoon.

white men can drink

18/50 STATES